Birth story - Nadia and baby Lyra

I have wanted to share our birth story on here since I read about the positive birth company and completed the courses, it feels like one of those mile stone moments you know. I expected I would be writing something about a water birth in a midwife lead unit with no pain relief, I desperately desperately wanted this. I feel now, having given birth, that my experience - which I believe others would consider traumatic - I can actually come away at peace with on the whole and recognise so many positives. I think there is a huge pressure to have that ‘perfect birth’ whatever that means to you and I certainly had so much anxiety around this before labour. Reading all of your stories made me so happy and I want to share with you my labour which, although did not at all go to plan, can still be seen as positive, so here goes... as many before me... it’s a long-un! I appreciate it could come across as being quite drama filled so please take note of the triggers and don’t read on if you think it may effect you... I am totally meaning for this to be seen as a positive story!

Triggers- the word contractions, induction, baby’s position, epidural gone wrong, emergency c section, clip on baby’s head, long labour, Covid isolation, lone labour, blood loss.

Pregnancy- I found out I was pregnant three days into lockdown just as my partner and I had decided we should hold off on trying to see what happens with Covid. I had very bad morning sickness until about 21 weeks (throwing up 5 times a day) but didn’t have any midwife apps at first so just powered through and a couple of cases of high blood pressure. I then developed pretty bad SPD and had physio (albeit too late to actually help) to try and off set this. At 34 weeks pregnant I was told I had to have a gestational diabetes test as it ran in my family which came back positive and totally threw me! Everything changed and even though it was diet controlled I had a bit of a freak out. Did I love pregnancy, no, would I do it again- absolutely. I was booked for an induction at 40 + 6 and so the wait began. I tried every which way to not have an induction but sadly nothing worked despite baby being ready and in position. This in itself was disheartening but I kept reminding myself that baby will come when she is ready... or she won’t have a choice and there will be an eviction and end to weeks of no pasta or bread.

Labour/ birth

So, after trying all of the tricks in the book to get baby to come nothing worked and we ended up coming in at 8.30 on Tuesday. We were kept in a bay with 5 other pregnant women all being induced by various methods, all curtained off. It is worth noting- I had not had a Covid test, had not been asked to have one, and was Covid negative when I did have one (I ended up having three). I assumed this was normal but have since found out that most places require one to be taken two days in advance- this would have massively changed my birth story. I had a sweep (the last of 4) and was told I had a soft cervix, baby was engaged and head down and I was already 2cm so we could go straight to labour ward to have my waters broken. They said we could even be seen in the MLU (my dream) and we could maybe be seen as outpatients from now on. About an hour later and another midwife came and said that because I was a 6 on the bishops scale not a 7 and because the wait for labour ward was currently 24 hours with me being 4th on the list, we were offered the pessary to get things going. We were told this would mean I would get to 7 and we could skip the queue. We used BRAIN and decided this was a good idea as we were probably going to go to our dream birth pool scenario and so the pessary seemed like a good compromise in getting there. It was inserted and I used the Freya app to count contractions which ramped up within half an hour and consistently told me I was in active labour. Up breathing is AMAZING alongside the Freya app and my birth partner I felt like I was rocking it. However, 7pm came and they made him leave. I was left in a curtained off, dark area of the bay to labour on my own, but I had the Freya app and this kept me calm. I refused all pain relief and even though things were getting stronger I felt in control. At about 3am I had a wobble, I was under the impression I would have been moved by this point and would be on the way to meeting my baby but no one had even examined me since that morning. I requested an examination and the midwife said I was only 2cm still and refused to believe I was in active labour (despite monitoring my contractions which were 3 in 10 and pretty strong) at this point I felt so drained and alone, she suggested taking some pethadine to try and get some sleep. I used my BRAIN again and accepted, this was a great choice for me as it just took the edge off and I drifted off for two hours it didn’t make me drowsy and it didn’t numb the pain so I knew things were still happening but gave me a little break to regather. After waking I felt a renewed determination as I knew my partner would be back soon and was SURE we would be at least 4. The midwife then came in and sat on the bed, she said that sadly someone in the bay had tested positive for Covid and so we were all being put into isolation. It was my nightmare, I had shielded for a month before to make sure this didn’t happen and the very place I came to be most safe had handed me up on a platter. I was whisked off to a side room, with a toilet facing a wall and a bed in the middle and told I would need to stay here, I wasn’t allowed to leave under any circumstances and I wasn’t allowed any visitors. My partner was not allowed back and I would have to wait to be seen for an undisclosed time. I laboured in this room alone, tired and emotional for hours. I just kept listening to the Freya app and thinking about meeting my baby. Up breathing was a life saver and kept me calm the whole time. When they eventually checked me I was 3cm and they said they were going to wait 24 hours and insert another pessary for 24 hours. I stood my ground and told them that I wanted to go to labour ward, that I had been told I was already on the waiting list as 24 hours had most certainly passed now so I should be the first one to go. Luckily they had a change of heart and I was told I would be going. About 5 or so hours later I was marched to labour ward and my partner could be with me. Again- renewed hope, at least we were back together. The midwifes here were much more helpful and alongside my amazing partner who just reassured me of how great I was doing and strawing me mouths of sugar free Lucozade we were back in the game.

They broke my waters fairly easily, it wasn’t painful just a bit scratchy and when they come it was like a waterfall honestly! Everything was soaked, me, the bed, the midwife... everything! And they just kept coming haha. It was actually pretty hilarious.

Anyways, I really hadn’t wanted to have the drip but was informed that waiting wouldn’t do much as I hadn’t progressed and so reluctantly agreed to it. I used breathing again and accepted gas and air which I found hilarious. It makes your voice really deep and I kept saying how high I was. At this point baby was moving too much for the monitor and so they asked to put a clip on her head, which I accepted as I wanted to make sure she was dealing with everything ok. This was one of the worst bits for me, I was not expecting the midwife to be so rough and I can’t express how it felt. My partner cried as he could see the effect on me and it scared him but on the second attempt she managed to get it on. Although it was a bit scary- I knew it meant we could keep a closer eye on baby so it was totally needed and this meant I could compartmentalise it.

At this point I was still 2cm and I had had enough- I asked for an epidural. Ladies, I NEVER thought I would do this I was so against it, but in that moment and in that occasion it was the best decision I made. If you need one, don’t let your idea about how birth ‘should’ be get in the way. It changed my whole birth. I went from a tired, sad, emotionally drained mess, to a woman who could nap, feel contractions but breath through them goddess who was totally ready to birth her baby after having a break from the DAYS of pain and heartache. I should however say that the anaesthetist sadly put the needle in too deep and managed to puncture a hole in my spinal fluid causing neck pain and head aches (the worst). Even then - I still think he is one of the heroes of my birth story and I would make the same decision every time. I have since been back in for a blood patch which was like magic and although uncomfortable - instantly took the headache away (I thought they had given me some pain relief that’s how quickly it worked).

After 6 hours of now totally manageable but strong contractions (I also had a two hour nap) I was examined again. This time I was 3cm still and they could feel baby’s face- she had decided all of those hours ago that face first would be the best option for her and she was stopping my contractions from doing their job! So all of those people telling me I wasn’t in labour were wrong I very much was it just wasn’t doing anything. Another lesson- trust your instincts, if your body is telling you something only YOU know how to interpret it!

It was decided that labour had been too long and baby wasn’t in a position she could move from and so I was rushed for an emergency C section. I went through all of my birth preferences for a section with the Drs which they agreed to. I would defo use the trick of writing separate preferences for all eventualities. It meant I didn’t have to think of what I wanted on the spot! Sadly, despite baby being fine at birth, they didn’t follow any of my preferences (I didn’t even get to hold her even though the nurses were happy to pass her around to each other) and they didn’t do delayed clamping either 🙄. I used up breathing in the theatre and remained calm. It was one of the least stressful bits honestly and not at all as scary as I thought.

I lost quite a bit of blood (1 L) and so had to be monitored but managed to get my iron levels back up to normal quickly! I was so determined to have a shower, I hadn’t had one in my isolation so hadn’t been offered one in about three days at this point) that’s all I focused on when trying to get out of bed. I made it out 3 hours after my c section and had the most amazing snuggles with baby girl and best shower ever! I even got two helpings of tea and toast which was double special after no bread for GD. Sadly they would not discharge us straight away and so my baby and I were sent back to isolation for another night (it breaks my heart that we didn’t get to spend nearly any new born hours as a family but I’m not going to dwell on this or go into detail as this is a positive story! Despite this, I knew that I had my affirmations and I said them to myself over and over until I believed them. I watched some positive birth blogs and looked back over the course to see what I had remembered.

Finally we were discharged and allowed home. My message is this… Looking back on it my birth was the exact opposite of what I wanted, heck it was the opposite of what I thought worst case would be, BUT I feel so empowered that every decision I made was the right one. I used the tools hypnobirthing gave me and I was prepared for the unimaginable even when I didn’t see that it was happening. I faced my fear of labouring on my own and I did it. I had an epidural which I was petrified of and I breathed through it. I based my decisions on the BRAIN framework and I had the most supportive partner who I genuinely don’t think I could have made it through without. The course helped me more than I think I realised at the time and I would strongly recommend the Freya app! I don’t yet feel like a goddess but I do feel that there wasn’t anything I would change if the situation was the same and that it’s ok I didn’t get the birth I craved because my birth is mine and I did everything I could to be calm and bring my little girl into a world knowing she is loved and that her parents would go through hell and high water to get her here safe. Whatever your birth looks like, you made it through and you did the best you could and for that you should be proud.

I hope this brings comfort to those who are still a bit scared, it is in no way meant to be negative because I am in awe of what I overcame! You can do anything for one minute and if I can still feel empowered after all of this then no matter what labour throws at you so can you, don’t be too hard on yourself, take the epidural if you need it. And nothing matters anyways when you have your baby in your arms!