What you need to know about pronouns
The first thing you need to know about pronouns, is how it isn’t as scary as you think.
We unconsciously assign pronouns to folk based on some shortcuts of bias. This might be based on their clothes, hair, make up or lack of, clothing and their bodies themselves. We cannot see pronouns. We cannot assign them for folks, only they can tell us what their pronouns are. They may be what you assumed they are, they may fit with the cultural narrative and assumption. However, they may also be something other than you were expecting.
We use pronouns all day without realising it.
“She’s running late and her phone is out of battery.”
“He will be here soon; his car is in the shop.”
“They have been really snowed under; their new project is due soon.”
Practice
Practicing giving your pronouns when introducing yourself at a meeting or when meeting folk in everyday life will increase your confidence. Offering your pronouns first will also ensure folk that their pronouns are welcomed and will be respected. Some folks may not feel safe being the first to give their pronouns, more so if they are pronouns that fall outside of the cis heteronormality. By offering first you are breaking the ice, so to speak. You are making it easier for LGBT+ folk who come after you to do so. That is allyship.
Remember that you cannot see pronouns!
Here are so ideas of how to ask for pronouns:
Hey, I am Alex. I use He / Him Pronouns, how about you?
Sorry, I forgot to ask earlier, what are your pronouns?
So nice to meet you finally, I am still learning about pronouns, so I felt a little unsure of asking over email / the phone, but I want to ensure I get it right, what are your pronouns?
Hey, thanks for putting your pronouns on the sign in sheet. Would you like me to correct other folks if they get it wrong or would you prefer for me not to?
A lot of people struggle with they/them as a singular pronoun. However, we use they/them as a singular pronoun all the time without knowing it.
Picture that you walk into a coffee shop and see a phone on the table. You may want to hand it in a tell the barista “Someone left their phone behind!”.
“Could everyone ensure their part of the group project is submitted before Friday at 5pm please?”
“Could we go around the room so everyone can introduce themselves?”
If you are like me and actively cross the street to hopefully make eye contact with the doggo taking their human on a walk. You may be familiar with the “Getting the dog’s pronouns query”. “OMG so beautiful, what is his or her name?!” Perfectly normal, non-offensive question. However, when it comes to asking human folk for their pronouns, a lot of people are very reluctant.
Pronouns, can affirm, empower, and tell individuals that we are invested in their safety. Respecting folks’ pronouns goes far beyond the polite and the civil. In 2018 the Journal of adolescent health published its findings that using a person’s chosen name and pronouns can cut the risk of suicide by a massive 56%¹. Given that stonewall research² shows us that a staggering 89% of trans people have considered suicide, and that 27% have attempted suicide. Using a person’s chosen name and pronouns isn’t just polite. It could be a matter of life and death.
Pronouns are not the be-all and end-all. Most trans folks will forgive a slip of the tongue. As you might with a friend who has recently got married and has chosen to change their surname. You might slip up. However, your intent does not negate your impact. If you find you are really struggling to position their safety and right to be referred to in a way that brings them joy, above your not wanting to unlearn your bias and assumption, then you need to do the work.
Social Media
Having your pronouns on your socials, email footer etc can also be a great signal to LGBT+ folks that you are aware that you cannot see or assume pronouns.
In fact, in May 2021 Instagram made this much simpler by being able to add your pronouns next to your profile name.
(Go to ‘Edit profile’ on your page and it’s the third option down)
Getting it wrong
You are more than likely going to fuck up someone’s pronouns. Let us work on accepting that as something that is likely to happen whilst you are moving towards active allyship for the LGBT+ community. Remember to prioritise the safety of LGBT+ folk above your own fear of fucking up. If and when you do, what you do in that moment, if it comes is important too. Your intention doesn’t negate your impact. Simply because it was an accident doesn’t mean it doesn’t hurt us. We may now need time as well as proof that you are an aspiring ally. All you must do is correct yourself, apologise and move on.
“I was talking to Alice the other day she was telling me…. Shit, sorry, they were telling me about this awesome new restaurant”
“Did you see Jay’s new haircut. She looks amazing! Fuck, sorry, he looks amazing”
The curse words are optional; however, they tend to roll of the tongue and I am nothing but authentic in my writing.
Try to again avoid self-centering. If you were to replace the above conversation with centring it may look something like “She was telling me…. Oh shit, oh ffs, I am so so sorry, I am trying really hard, I bought a book I started reading it, I have been doing much better though, haven’t I? I have been trying. Fuck! I feel so bad! Do you hate me now! Please don’t be offended! I am just really old / uneducated / used to your “old” name / pronouns, you know I don’t mean it” Now the focus has shifted to you and your feelings on the mistake, rather than the person you have misgendered or dead named (the name someone was given at birth that they no longer use). Correct, apologise, move on and do better next time.
Allyship is more than memorising pronouns, although this can be a great starting point.
Practice sitting in your discomfort at the idea of misgendering or dead naming someone. The fact that you have this discomfort alludes to your desire to want to change. Practice makes perfect.
Written by our friend AJ Silver at The Queer Birth Birth Club
Useful Links:
Chosen Name Use is Linked to Reduced Depressive Symptoms