Birth story - Sophia and baby Eilidh

A positive birth that very much didn’t go to plan!

*Background and Pregnancy*

It had been a shock finding out I was pregnant. We hadn’t planned to have a baby for another few years at least (I had just started a new job and a masters degree, so you could say that the timing wasn’t great!) but when we saw the positive pregnancy test, as overwhelming as it was and although it took some time to adjust, it was also clear that really we were as ready as we were ever likely to be and that we would embrace what life was presenting us with.

I had a very easy and straightforward pregnancy. No morning sickness, no heartburn or PGP, hardly any symptoms really. My bump didn’t appear until well into the second trimester and was so neat that apart from jeans and bras I barely needed to adjust my wardrobe. I felt plenty of movement and kicks from the baby and apart from the emotional rollercoaster of hormones and beginning to adjust to the certainty of life changing forever, I felt generally good and healthy in myself.

I had had no reason to consider birth before and now when I did the thought of it was pretty scary. I assumed we would take the most conventional/’straightforward’ path (ie a hospital birth). But just a few weeks into the pregnancy I started to think about it more deeply and to realise that most of my fear was tied up with anxiety around being in hospital, of harsh lights and people I didn’t know, of possible intervention and the idea of being in a situation that was out of my control. It was actually my partner, Luke, who first suggested (jokingly) that we have a home birth. I laughed it off, thinking apart from anything else that our flat was far too small and you couldn’t have first babies at home. But the idea stuck. I read some more into it and when my sister in law (who had had two very positive home births (including her first) while living in a small top floor flat) suggested it again I realised that I was already convinced by the idea without her having to say anything. Once we had made the decision to have the baby at home my whole outlook on the labour and birth seemed to change, I got really into reading and learning about it all, which in itself was hugely empowering, and because with a home birth Luke would have to take such an active role, preparing for the birth suddenly became a really positive collaborative time.

At some point someone mentioned hypnobirthing, which I had heard of but knew nothing about. I came across the Positive Birth Company’s digital pack and from the first video the whole thing just made so much sense and exactly fitted our outlook and a lot of the things we had been thinking about already without consciously knowing why/how they were important. We watched most of the videos (especially the breathing ones!) But to be honest we were both so busy for most of the pregnancy that we were relying on the final few weeks when I would be on maternity leave to fully prepare and go through the whole course.

But after such a positive straightforward pregnancy and such a positive mindset about the birth, the final few weeks of pregnancy were stressful and difficult and this is one thing, though there’s nothing we could have done differently, that I do feel sad about. At 34 weeks there was a concern flagged up because the baby’s growth rate had slowed and was appearing small, just below the 10th centile on the growth chart. We were being advised not only to cancel our home birth plans but to be induced immediately. This involved a pretty unpleasant meeting with a doctor who refused to have a conversation about our actual situation and the actual risks we were dealing with but instead went straight into generalisations, using emotional and scare mongering language, accusing me of taking silly risks with my own and my baby’s life by planning a home birth in the first place, regardless of any other factors, when we live more than 5 minutes from a hospital.

I was really not keen to be induced, my sister had had a horrendous labour and birth after being induced and although I know there are plenty of positive induction stories out there, the idea of induction worried and scared me so much that I couldn’t see a way to feel ok about it, especially as there didn’t appear to be anything wrong apart from this measurement, which as well as being possibly inaccurate the doctors eventually admitted could just be down to the fact that it is in my family to have quite small babies.

After doing some research and getting in touch with AIMS (who were brilliant) me and Luke felt that in this situation there was so little evidence of there being anything wrong at all (all the other signs were showing that the baby was healthy and happy) that we stood our ground and said I wasn’t going to agree to an induction and that we were going to continue to plan for our home birth and for me to go into labour naturally unless something changed/it looked like the baby wasn’t doing so well. We agreed to come in for scans and monitoring though to check how the baby was doing and that meant trips every couple of days to Inverness (which is nearly an hour’s drive from where we live) where every time we would have to meet with yet another doctor (we never saw the same doctor twice) who would go through the whole thing again and pressure me to agree to an induction on the spot. And the whole time we were also questioning ourselves and wondering if we were being really irresponsible not going along with their advice and worrying about the baby and hoping that our instincts were right. And all the driving and waiting in hospital and meeting with doctors I found totally draining.

*Labour and Birth*

Labour at Home

Because we so didn’t want this situation to drag on and on, knowing that the pressure for induction would only grow with each day that passed, we basically started doing everything we could to try and make the baby come on its own (who knows if any of it worked but in case it did - hot curries, fresh pineapple, dates, raspberry leaf tea, hot baths, clary sage oil, plenty of sex (it was starting to feel like a chore!)) and on the night of the 18th December (the day after the due date) I started feeling contractions starting. We’d just been over to our neighbours and watched Love Actually with mince pies and we came back from theirs and decided to put our Christmas tree up and decorate it. We didn’t get to bed until about 2am and at 3am I woke up with contractions definitely happening. We had been told to wait until they were less than 5 mins apart and lasting a minute before calling the midwife so Luke started timing them and they were coming at about 7mins apart and lasting about 40 seconds to a minute (such a weird sensation! Coming out of nowhere so I thought I was imagining it at first and then building and building until I thought I couldn’t go on because it was so intense and then fading to nothing again!). We tried to stay in bed for about an hour but it clearly wasn’t easing up so we got up about 4am and started getting the birthing pool ready and making sure we had everything. It all felt pretty surreal and exciting! At 9am the surges were coming closer together and I called the midwife who came out and checked on us and did an examination. The baby was in the perfect position with head engaged and well down but I was only about 2 cm which was disappointing given how intense the surges were. It still felt like early days though and the midwife was confident things would pick up in the next few hours and we’d have a baby by the end of the day! She left and said to call again if anything changed and that we should try and eat and drink plenty. It got to lunchtime and I managed to eat some soup in between surges (although it was difficult) and we managed to go for a walk, me stopping every 5 minutes to breathe through the discomfort. It got to about 6pm and the surges were still coming every 5 minutes lasting more than a minute but nothing else. I spoke to the midwife again at about 7pm but because nothing had changed significantly we decided to just go on as we were.

A couple of hours later and the surges had ramped up and I was feeling them really strongly in my back. A new midwife came out and this time she stayed with us because it looked like things would be happening soon. She called a second midwife and they both stayed the rest of the night. They were so great and calm and supportive, while also staying in the background (despite the limited space in our flat). I was moving from various positions, from all fours on the bed to the floor to the pool to back to the bed. The up breathing was great and Luke counted me through it, rubbing my back which really helped. All the way through the midwives were commenting on how calm I was and what a brilliant team we were.

As things went on it was now going into the second night after having slept for only an hour the night before. We had only filled the pool to around the depth of a bath as we weren’t sure when we’d need it but now we decided to fill it properly. This then turned into a bit of an epic for Luke who spent the rest of the night trying to get the pool full enough and at the right temperature. We had both been getting in at various points and it felt really nice and I was very glad to have it to get into, but it had to be above a certain depth to actually give birth in and we’d used all our hot water so Luke was boiling kettles and pans to try and fill it up in between supporting me!

The night just went on and on and pretty soon it was 3am and had been 24 hours since it had all started. The midwives were taking urine tests from me every so often and it was around 4am that they said it was showing up that I was dehydrated and depleted from lack of food and my body was running on last energy reserves. Luke started trying to feed me bits of peanut butter toast but it was impossible to eat. At 5am another examination showed that I was still only 4cm after 26hours of intense and constant surges. This was very hard to hear and because of my depleted energy levels the surges now began to slow down.

By 9am (Thurs 20th) we were in a bit of a desperate state. I was in the pool, which was now at the perfect depth and temperature, so exhausted that I was pretty much passing out between each surge which would wake me again relentlessly every few minutes. There was also a midwife shift change, which was a blow psychologically - both because it was a reminder of just how long this was going on for - and also because of the support and familiarity we felt from those particular midwives and the atmosphere we had created together. In that moment I felt like I had failed by not giving birth during the time that they were there. The new midwife coming on shift felt like an intrusion. She was loud and business-like, shattering our quiet and instructing me onto the bed for an examination which she performed without warning or waiting for a break in the contractions. It was uncomfortable and invasive and another blow to find I was still only 4cm. This was a serious low point. Me and Luke were both delirious with tiredness and I was also dehydrated and needing food but couldn’t eat anything. The options were either to go into hospital where they would break my waters which would hopefully speed things up, or the midwife could break my waters at home but they were worried that if they did that and then something wasn’t right, as well as the fact I was so exhausted, we would then be in an emergency situation an hour away from the hospital.

It felt like a really difficult decision but in hindsight there was clearly only one option… it was just hard after all that to give up the home birth and also being scared about what would happen in hospital and losing control of the situation.

*Transfer To Hospital*

I went in an ambulance and Luke had to drive behind. The surges were still just coming and coming and I was strapped down to the bed in the ambulance which felt like the worst position to be in. I hadn’t had any pain relief up until then and I tried some gas and air in the ambulance but it didn’t help at all. We got to the hospital and I was wheeled into a room and hooked up to a drip to get my fluids/energy back up and a monitor for the baby’s heart rate. It was around this point that I kind of lost it a bit. It felt like I’d been coping well for such a long time at home and suddenly the reality of the lack of sleep, being in a hospital bed with restricted movement now and the possibility that this might still just go on and on for hours and hours was all pretty miserable. The midwife broke my waters and this was Luke’s lowest point. Instead of being clear, the waters had meconium in them and the combination of that, the drive to the hospital when he was so dangerously tired and the fact that I was in so much discomfort and not dealing with it all that well anymore all got too much for him and I looked up at that moment to see he was crying which made me really upset too. The brilliant hospital midwife, Shona, was completely reassuring and said that at this point all the other signs were still good and meconium didn’t necessarily mean anything was wrong (which Luke hadn’t realised).

After my waters went the surges started coming much closer together and lasting longer again. It felt like that is what had been holding things up and now my body was doing what it needed to. But we still didn't know how long it would be and I was finding it really difficult to get through the surges without being able to move around (I was restricted to the bed because of the drip and the monitoring device on the baby). The gas and air had done absolutely nothing for me so around this point I asked for an epidural! (Which is the absolute last thing I thought I would ever ask for). It was the best decision. After 36 hours of no sleep and being in a lot of discomfort it was totally amazing...

To have the epidural I had to keep still, sitting in an awkward upright position for half an hour with surges coming every few minutes which was nearly impossible but once it kicked in it was such a relief! I could still feel the surges but all the discomfort had gone so I was able to relax and talk and be much more aware of what was going on.

It was now about 3pm and the midwife who had been watching the baby's heart beat on the monitor mentioned that she was starting to be concerned by the recovery rate after each contraction. A couple of doctors came in and out looking at the monitor and started saying that the baby needed to be born as soon as possible and maybe they would have to do a C section. (Which I tried to stay calm about but was just praying and praying the baby would come soon on its own!). Some more time went by and it felt like the pressure was building for the baby to be born although the midwife was being really calm and kind and explaining everything to us. At some point I started feeling this urge to push and I kind of said it to the midwife but at this point everyone was distracted by the heart monitor and discussing how much longer to allow things to go on. After a bit I said again about wanting to push and this time she heard me and the doctor agreed to examine me to see where things were up to (although she had examined me quite shortly before and I had still only been at 6cm) and to take some blood from the baby which would tell them more accurately how it was doing. When the doctor examined me, she said (with some surprise) ‘Oh wow you’re fully dilated!’. I was just desperate to push the baby out but they wanted to wait for the blood results to come back to make sure baby was ok and would be able to cope with the birth.

After what felt like an age but I think was just a couple of minutes the blood results came back all good and I was given the go ahead to push! When the next contraction came, with a huge relief I started pushing. I realised there were suddenly a lot of people in the room, another couple of doctors had come in (along with a resuscitation table) and the main doctor was saying 'that's really good we can see the baby's head! But this needs to happen quickly now so I think I'm going to do an episiotomy and forceps delivery'… It was hearing this that just caused me to go into another gear. I was so determined after all this time to do this on my own. I asked as calmly as I could if I could have just a bit more time and with everything I had left in me I put in a final massive effort and pushed out my baby! No induction, no C section, no episiotomy, no forceps. It was totally amazing and I felt a huge wave of joy and relief and gratitude as I pushed her out. They put her on my chest straight away and she lay there and looked up at me with beautiful little bright eyes. We had delayed cord clamping and Luke cut the cord as well as being the one to tell me she was a beautiful, perfect baby girl.

These moments were magical and what felt particularly special was that after all the tension in the room that had been building as the doctors and midwives grew more concerned that baby be born quickly, as soon as she was born and she was totally fine and healthy there was such a feeling of positive celebration. They were all really pleased for me that I'd been able to do it. The junior doctor who had come in just to observe was even crying, saying she had never seen an unassisted birth before!

They dimmed the lights, brought us tea and toast and left us alone in the room with our tiny new baby! After such a long labour with so many ups and downs I actually felt really positive about the whole experience and was just so relieved I was able to do it without any more intervention.

*Reflection/After Thoughts*

There are many things about this birth that I am extremely grateful for. I am grateful for the Positive Birth Company and the digital course which although we didn’t even get to the end of I still believe was hugely beneficial. The breathing definitely got me through the first 30 hours at home. I have absolutely no regrets about the decision to have the home birth despite it not going how I had hoped. Most of the labour at home was really special, with the birthing pool and music and Christmas Tree all lit up. I believe the preparation that went into the home birth, the knowledge I had and mindset I was in meant that I ultimately felt empowered and confident enough in hospital to stay in control and still have a positive birth (even though there were definitely points where it felt like I was losing it).

I never imagined I would have an epidural but the combination of exhaustion, the transfer to hospital, and the prospect of having to give birth on a hospital bed with restricted movement rather than at home in a pool or in an upright open position made it a decision I am very grateful I had the option to take. I was worried that the epidural would stop me from feeling anything but although the intensity was removed I continued to feel the surges and, when it came, also the undeniable urge to push.

Up until the point of the labour our experience of the hospital had not been a good one. The string of unhelpful and at times patronising doctors I had had to speak to from 34 weeks pregnant pressuring me to be induced had done nothing to alleviate my already existing fear and anxiety around the hospital environment and of not being in control or even listened to.

But when it came to the actual birth it was a completely different story. The main midwife we had looking after us, as well as the doctor who delivered the baby, were calm and kind and reassuring and respectful. Although the possibilities of a C section and assisted delivery were both in the air at various points and there was a tension in the room as they observed and monitored the baby, I was listened to in my requests to try and let things happen as naturally as possible. I am so grateful for the care they provided, balancing the tendency for fast action and medical intervention with a respect for how important it was to me to have some sort of sense of control and in the end to push the baby out on my own.

As far as the growth chart/measurement situation went, she was born a healthy 6lb 6 without any further complications and I am so grateful and glad that I felt informed and confident enough to refuse an induction 3 weeks early (despite the stress and anxiety it caused for the final weeks of pregnancy). I have my partner Luke to thank so much in this, we were completely together in it all and he came to every doctors meeting and was my biggest advocate, supporting and backing me up in every way.