Birth story - Seeräuber Jenny and baby Kalika

*Trigger warning*: use of the word contraction as I do not consider it to be a negative word, weight loss, second degree tear, anxiety

My partner and I decided to try to conceive in February 2020 when we had no idea Corona would turn into a global pandemic. We spent a lot of time eating healthy, taking long walks and being positive. As schools in Germany closed by mid march and we were able to work from home, my partner and I spent a lot of time together, which was a nice way to start this exciting new episode. I found myself to be pregnant really quick and started to feel guilty because I didn't want to expose my baby to the pandemic. However, our baby was there and ready to grow, and my partner's happiness helped me stay cool. From today's point of view this was the best time to get pregnant, because we could spend time together, I got to relax more and everybody was being cautious about visiting us. I only missed the in-person pregnancy gym courses and my partner couldn't come to any of the checkups, which was sad for him.

I felt nauseous for the first trimester and lived off crackers and water. Also I felt anxious about losing my baby from the day I had a positive pregnancy test up until I reached week 28 or so. It got better as my baby grew, but there was always this last bit of fear accompanying me. My partner was very supportive and it was good to be able to share these not so positive thoughts and feelings - and still stay positive together.

One of my best friends told me about the PBC-course (thanks, Lea ). I watched all the videos with my partner (it took us some weeks though) and I listened to the mp3s regularly. They really helped me relax and ease my mind.

At 15 weeks I told my boss about my pregnancy, being worried about how she would react as in academia this is not always happily seen - however, my boss was very supportive, which felt empowering to me.

I was diagnosed with Gestational diabetes at around 28 weeks. The following weeks were spent eating healthy food, taking long walks along the Rhine and measuring my blood sugar 4 times a day. I felt that my every action would affect baby and so while this was a shocking, tearful beginning, the diagnosis kept me motivated up to the day I gave birth. I lost weight and felt very active throughout - if I ever get pregnant again, I would follow this lifestyle right from the start.

I had two sessions of acupuncture in January, which was an interesting experience. As the due date came near, I started to worry about having an induction and decided that I would follow my gut feeling as well as the doctor's advice. Baby Kali must have sensed this, because she came a couple of days before the due date.

It was a Friday evening. I had felt period-like pains throughout the day and some Braxton hicks in the weeks leading up to that day. Paul and I went for our usual after-dinner walk to get my blood sugar lowered. When we got home around 10 pm, I noticed that this was a new feeling, a lot more intense than Braxton hicks. We had sex, joking that it might help to get things started. As we went to bed at midnight I set the alarm and noticed that contractions were starting. After a couple of minutes I knew that I wouldn't be able to sleep, so I told my partner to get some rest while I go to the living room. He didn't feel like sleeping and joined me right away. I felt like a very special moment was going to come up. And there came the bloody show, haha.... So I put on makeup, earrings, turned on my birth playlist and lit some candles. As we sat in the living room, I used the Freya app to time my contractions. They were close pretty quick but I didn't want to go to the hospital too early, fearing that they would send me away or I would have to spend a lot of time without Paul. When we realised that I couldn't focus on anything else, we decided to get going, around 2.30 am. Paul sent a message to my closest friends and family, informing them about what was up.

We walked over to the hospital which was only ten minutes away. I had to pause in between to breathe through the contractions. As we got to the hospital, Paul wasn't allowed in. I got monitored and checked by the midwife. My request to be in an upright position was followed. Luckily, I was at two cm and the contractions were strong enough, so they admitted me to the labour ward. I was tested for Covid (very uncomfortable) and could phone Paul, who came to be with me around 4 am. I asked the midwives to read my birth preferences, they did and actually respected my wishes throughout labour.

I did not want any medication, but we tried other things to give me comfort: TENs machine, lower back massages, bathtub. I stayed in the UFO position most of the time and had my music playing. The music and having Paul by my side helped me a lot. I focussed on inhaling, followed by a looong exhale, Siobhan's advice really helped me concentrate. My exhales were loud "aaahs" from deep within my body, trying to surf the wave of pain and power that each contraction meant for me. As the contractions came back to back, I had one moment of doubt whether I would make it, but then the next contraction had me focussing again before I could even tell Paul. Somehow after a few hours I was almost sleeping between contractions, eyes closed, hanging on the bed on all fours. My alarm clock went off and I realized that the next morning had arrived. Paul handed me water throughout and stood by my side, praising me and telling me to breathe.

I found the exams conducted by the midwives to be ok, somehow they even made the contraction feel more under control.

As my "aaahs" turned to "ooohs", the midwife returned with a doctor, saying that we had arrived at the pushing stage. I was at almost 10 cm, but some membrane seemed to be in the way, so the midwife told Paul that she would try to push it aside. I heard this and was fine with that. After that my waters broke and the pushing began. The midwives had prepared another tub, but I didn't feel like I would be able to climb in. So I continued pushing, standing at first, then on all fours and in the end on my back because somehow it didn't work so well. Within what felt like minutes to me, the midwives told me that the head was coming through, and asked if I would like to touch it. I touched my baby's soft, slimey head and with another push I could feel her body sliding out of me like a fish at 9.36 am. This was amazing. They gave baby a short rub and put her on my chest for skin to skin. Paul, who laughed and cried at my side, cut the umbilical cord (even though he had not been keen on that before). The placenta came out pretty quick and we got to look at it. So cool.

While my 2nd degree tear and other bruises were being stiched (so uncomfortable), my baby was examined. After a short stay in another room where the midwife unsucessfully tried to help me get my baby latched, Paul had to leave us due to the Covid restrictions. He was allowed in for an hour a day, which was too little time. I felt exhausted and alone. Breastfeeding didn't work and so baby lost more than 10% of her weight. I didn't find the hospital staff to be very helpful and we had to stay two additional nights which felt like ages to me. In the end, pumping every two hours helped me keeping the milk production going. After we got home, I gave the breastfeeding another try, in peace and with the help of my midwife. And it worked out great. The start wasn't easy but now after five months I am so grateful for this possibility.

The postpartum weeks were a ride through so many different emotions: love, gratefulness, fear, physical and mental exhaustion, happiness - it really helped me to have Paul by my side (and on my side) and to give myself the time I needed. If you feel like crying, just cry, and don't feel guilty about it. After this life-changing event, you have the right to feel just the way you do. Take your time, talk to your partner, don't feel like you need to please any other people. Repeating this to myself has helped me a lot.

Thanks to the Positive Birth Company for the videos, which were informative and gave me and my partner a lot to think about. It helped us build our own opinion, helped me concentrate on my body and mind. And I really loved reading all the amazing birth stories. It is wonderful to know what we are capable of. You got it, fellow (future) Mamas and Papas out there!