Birth story - Jackie and baby Mila

** TRIGGER WARNING ** If you are struggling with anxiety please don’t read on. My birth was very positive to me and has been a hugely healing experience but it doesn’t necessarily sound that way to everyone.

It’s taken me a while to get around to writing my story as it took a while to digest and square in my mind.

Firstly, I wish I could shout from the rooftops all day about how amazing and life changing hypnobirthing is and how the digital pack was the best money I ever spent. It totally answered all the lingering questions I had from my first, heavily medicalised, birth and gave me enormous peace and clarity about what had happened and why.

I started watching early, at about 6 weeks and just rewatched certain bits over during the pregnancy and listened to the tracks religiously each night.

I had severe morning sickness from 6-16 weeks this time and had SPD at the end so I was well over being pregnant by the time baby came.

This time I had prodromal labour on and off for 3 weeks prior to it kicking off properly. This drove me mad as I didn’t have it the first time and I was never sure if it was really happening or not. Finally it all kicked off in the early hours of the 7th March. For some reason I thought this baby would come very quickly. My first labour was 54hrs so I’m not sure why I thought that! The surges were manageable with the upbreathing and the tens and I managed to stay well hydrated and nourished.

Sometime in the evening we called the midwives and they arrived quickly. As soon as they arrived everything slowed down. I felt myself start to panic and lose control so they left me alone but I knew they were in the house and things never got back on track so after a few hours they checked my dilation - said I was 3cms and left. I had briefly gotten into the pool and was advised to get out as it would only prolong things.

Unbeknownst to me, the midwife told my husband that baby was back to back and that I needed to stay upright and moving to help baby move. This was really annoying for me because he stopped listening to me and started trying to direct me to do things my body didn’t want to do and I didn’t understand the change in his behaviour. I got really tired when I’d been awake and surging for around 24 hrs so said I’m going to lie down and try rest.

I continued surging through the night and in the morning my hind waters went. The affirmation ‘my surges can’t be stronger than me because they are me’ really helped. And also ‘I can do anything for a minute’ A midwife popped by around mid day to check it was waters and that they were clear and then said I would be induced the next day if baby didn’t come. I was so tired and frustrated as I was still 3cms and just felt defeated and over it! I was ready for a C-section to just be done with it already.

I spoke to my sister and this is where everything changed for me. She put me in contact with her sister in law who is a midwife and attends home births herself and she totally calmed me down, got me back in the right frame of mind and told me she’d had the same thing happen to her the week before. Her lady had been stalled for 24 hours so she did a rebozo scarf technique to encourage the baby’s head into the right position, which worked beautifully.

I’m not gonna lie, I didn’t think anything would work at this stage but we promised to try. She sent videos to my husband of how to do it and we got straight to it. She also advised me to listen to my body. All I wanted to do was lie down and all I kept being told was to stay active. She encouraged me to light a candle, listen to a meditation and just relax in bed if that is what I felt like.

We did as the videos suggested and I went straight to bed. After about an hour in bed the surges really ramped up in intensity but I thought I would wait until they were consistently strong before calling the midwives as I didn’t yet feel like I needed pain relief and I didn’t want another wasted visit for them. The increase in intensity wasn’t that great at first but towards the end of the second hour I had about 6/7 surges that were really powerful so my husband suggested calling the birth centre but I still wasn’t sure anything was actually happening so suggested waiting a bit longer. The next thing I knew my front waters went dramatically and I ran and jumped straight in the shower. My husband went to put our 4 year old to bed at this point so I was alone in the shower with the strange feeling that the baby was coming. I now had no tens machine on so was panicking slightly about how I would give birth with no pain relief but then I thought that the pain was not that bad so my baby can’t really be coming. I was aware something had changed and I now had to make a noise with each surge. Again, I didn’t really think it was mooing, more of a gentle moan, but as soon as my husband got back I told him to call the midwives. She heard me in the background and said they wouldn’t make it and he needed to call an ambulance.

Out of fear I insisted I wanted to get in the pool because I couldn’t imagine having no pain relief at all to birth so he ran around preparing all that. He still didn’t think anything was happening as I was chatting normally in between and walking about when I wanted to move, not really making much noise.

When he told me the temp was right he helped me downstairs and into the pool. The temperature most definitely was not right! It was on the colder side and I was not impressed but by this stage I thought I couldn’t get out so just had to go with it.

At this point he called the ambulance and was very casual on the phone saying no I can’t see anything, she’s fine etc when suddenly he burst into tears and said I can see a head! I was happy to hear this because my body had just taken over and I knew something was happening but can’t say I felt the baby move down the birth canal. I would just say things became involuntary and I found the pushing stage much easier than the early labour. With the next push her head was born. Two more and she was out! I was in the pool for all of 5 mins and she was born! I still can’t believe I walked down the stairs fully dilated and managed to birth calmly and quietly without even realising it fully until my husband saw the head.

We didn’t know she was a girl so my husband passed her to me and we both just stared at her in awe. She looked exactly like our first and she was very awake and strong and already lifting her head. The ambulance call handler didn’t hear her cry so asked if she was breathing. We both couldn’t really tell so just felt her chest and we could feel her heartbeat so we were happy.

Between 5-10 mins post birth the ambulance arrived and that’s when things changed. The first responder noticed the baby wasn’t breathing. Since she was still getting oxygen from the cord she was fine but she wasn’t breathing on her own. Once he cut the cord she needed a lot of intervention to keep her oxygen levels up.

This period was very difficult for my husband as he had to watch them work on her. I couldn’t see from my position in the pool but I had a certainty that I’ve never experienced before in my life that she would be fine. I’m normally quite anxious but I was completely relaxed and so unphased the paramedics were concerned for me. The best way I can describe it is that I had no drugs in my system and thus was able to fully connect with my baby at birth and my instincts told me she was healthy and would be fine. It wasn’t a guess. It was knowledge.

I fully credit the PBC for giving me the tools I needed to birth naturally. Without being in the calm state I was in, I’m sure I would have suffered immense emotional distress. Instead I was genuinely happy.

A midwife finally arrived and took over working on the baby. She was amazing and let us know that all her vitals were good she just had some fluid on the lungs. I got cold after about 45 mins and got out of the pool at which point my placenta came away. A second midwife then arrived who examined me and thought I might need to go to theatre for stitches.

They blue lighted me and baby to hospital. I didn’t need to go to theatre in the end and got stitched by a doctor and baby was in NICU for breathing support for 36hours. We don’t know why she had fluid on her lungs. They think she came too quickly and wasn’t squeezed enough on the way out but there is no way to no for sure. She had no infections and has been very well since.

She’s such a calm happy baby which I truly believe is a result of her calm, adrenaline free entrance into this world. Even the doctors commented on how little she cried.

My anxiety was significantly less after this birth and a lot of my residual issues from my first birth vanished overnight. I feel happier and more calm than I’ve felt in years and feel like I’ve gone back to being me if that makes sense.

I grieved a little bit afterwards for the loss of the peaceful post birth period. My first born had to meet her sister in NICU which was very far from what I had hoped and worked hard for. This is our last baby so I’ll never get to experience what that would be like but I’m so grateful I got to have my home birth and to experience how healing and beautiful and actually manageable childbirth can be. I can honestly say, besides the head crowning, I never felt I needed a pain killer and I would deliver again tomorrow no problem.

I spent my whole life afraid of something that was totally manageable. I wouldn’t even say it was painful. I would say the sensations are alarming because they are new and the intensity is very high but I’ve definitely been in far more acute pain before from other things.

Also baby was quite large, and I am a small person and had no problem getting her out so larger babies are not necessarily going to get stuck or have difficulty getting out.

Labour was 40 hours in the end so slight improvement on last time!

If you’ve read this far- thank you and all the best for your turn. We are so much stronger and more capable than we can even imagine and whatever happens in your birth, if you manage to stay calm and in control, you will surprise yourself. I hope you all get the births you dream of xx