Birth story - Charlotte and baby Beatrix

*Trigger Warning* - discussion of mental health, use of the word contractions (not negative to me), second degree tear, gestational diabetes (GD), induction, haemorrhage, emergency section

I will start by saying that I have always wanted a baby, but I didn’t ever think I’d be able to have one because of my fear of birth. Hospital, medical attention, operations, illness and blood have always been an extreme source of anxiety from a young age which I have unpacked with various counsellors, with seemingly minimal impact. Before my pregnancy, I happened to watch a c-section video using playdough and I came over faint, dizzy and sick and then had a breakdown crying, that’s how extreme my fear of birth was!

So when I found out I was pregnant, it was both exciting and terrifying because I couldn’t just enjoy it as I thought I knew what was coming.

I didn’t actually enjoy being pregnant - I suffered with SPD from quite early on and was sick until about 27 weeks, and I didn’t enjoy my body changing. This brought a sense of failure and guilt for me - why wasn’t I feeling happy and glowing like so many other mothers to be?

On top of this, I was diagnosed with gestational diabetes at around 20 weeks. This was hard because all I wanted to eat was potatoes (mashed with cheese or jacket with beans or tuna - mmmmmm!) and I had to change my diet to one which made me feel even sicker than the pregnancy made me.

I was overall really fed up and scared, I started to doubt my ability to go on this journey even more.

Then I discovered the Positive Birth Company. I watched and listened to the videos, which I found really fascinating and informative. I started to read the amazing stories here. At first, I had to stop because some of the details made me feel funny and sick but as I got deeper into the course, I challenged myself to read and found I was enjoying them!

So fast forward to week 37 - During my 37 week growth scan, I was told I should be induced due to risks of my placenta not working properly as time went on, baby measuring huge and risk of baby shoulder dysplasia. Using our BRAIN, we agreed and our induction was scheduled for 27th August.

We arrived at hospital that Saturday afternoon, had covid test and were taken to a lovely bay on the induction suite where we were greated by such lovely midwives that all my nerves were alleviated and they talked us through the induction process. We found out that my partner could stay with me the entire time, which I had been worried about so this also made me feel so much better.

I had my first examination around 6pm with my consent and my cervix was still far back and hard so I was given a 24 hour pessary and left to settle in. We were largely left to our own devices, so we got some food delivered, watched shows on the iPad, bounced on the ball and chilled out together. I was monitored and the machine picked up some mild contractions so I was really excited!

I was examined again 24 hours later on Sunday night and there had been some change, but not enough to break my waters, so I was given a 6 hour pessary this time. Again, I spent the whole 6 hours bouncing on the ball and remained UFO as possible throughout. There was minimal change again, so I had another 6 hour pessary fitted around midnight. I was getting worried that nothing was happening, so we chatted to the lovely midwife and It was explained that if this one didn’t work, I would have the option to start the process again, have a balloon fitted or get booked in for a c-section, but that the decision would be completely mine as both myself and baby were fine.

Early hours of Monday morning at the end of the second 6 hour pessary, the midwife could reach my waters, so I was put on the list to go down to delivery to have them broken by a consultant. There was quite a wait for this and we were taken down on Monday tea time to the delivery room. It was a really nice space and our midwife talked through our preferences for a low lit, quiet space. She had a lovely sensory light and fairy lights already in the room for us and encouraged us to use our room spray and put on our iPad to watch TV. Even though I knew it was ‘go time’ I felt super calm and in control - something I could never have envisaged. I had gas and air while my waters were broken as I found it quite painful, and was given time to labour naturally before going on the oxytocin drip. My body did go into labour, but very mildly so I was given a small dose of the oxytocin drip and was allowed to labour on the birthing ball and in a chair so I could stay UFO. I used up breathing and gas and air through the contractions, which were very manageable but quite close together quite quickly.

I had an amazing midwife and student midwife through this period who left me to it and didn’t pressure me into having pain relief or getting on the bed / both of which I’d requested them to not make me do. However, I was completely exhausted due to getting little sleep for close to 48 hours now, so I requested an epidural in the early hours of Tuesday morning. The doctor came almost immediately and it was in place within about 5 minutes and the relief was instant. I was able to sleep and get some rest. I actually felt incredibly peaceful and still in control at this point.

However, since my waters were broken, my blood pressure was rising and was becoming too high and the medication I was given to bring it down wasn’t working. I was examined by the consultant at around midday on Tuesday and whilst I had reached 9cm, a piece of my cervix was in the way and my blood pressure was becoming dangerous so I was given the option to try for an assisted delivery with an episiotomy and ventouse delivery in theatre. Once in theatre, it was determined that a piece of my cervix was too in the way and my blood pressure was rising too high to sort it out, so I was prepped for an emergency c section.

The team were incredible - an all female crew! Every person in theatre was positive, happy and chatty, which kept me feeling the same! The anaesthetist was wonderful - chatting away about all sorts and holding a cold compress to my head throughout. She explained what was happening so I felt in control and gave me lots of warning of what would be coming - something that was really important to my sense of autonomy in a situation like this. Within about 3 minutes of the section starting, I heard a cry and our baby girl was lifted over the curtain and placed on my chest at 12.42 on Tuesday afternoon.

I got the shakes so she was given to my partner to cuddle while I was stitched up, which took a while as I had sustained an internal tear while they were trying to move my cervix that needed attention and I needed some blood due to a haemorrhage, but eventually we were wheeled around to recovery for monitoring.

We spent 3 nights on the ward to monitor my blood pressure, anaemia and kidneys, but every midwife made us feel welcome and were fantastic at caring for the three of us.

This was far from an ideal birth for me BUT I didn’t crumble, didn’t have an anxiety attack and didn’t feel out of control at any point during our experience. I felt respected, listened to, informed and in control throughout. Many of the events that happened could have been triggering for me, but they weren’t and I’ve come away feeling empowered and like a super woman! Thank you PBC for changing my mindset around birth - if I can do it, so can you!!