Birth story - Marije and baby Tara

*Trigger warnings* mention of earlier miscarriages, episiotomy

My husband and I decided to try for a baby in May 2019. Initially, it took some time and some help from our doctor to get pregnant, and both times we got a positive pregnancy test (December 2019 and April 2020) we lost the baby after just a few weeks. Apart from this being traumatic experiences, we also felt less and less confident about our doctor and how she was managing the situation. We decided to shift to another OB/GYN and hospital that was less into the money-making medical business and more pro-natural birth.

We decided to take it slow and wait for a while before trying to conceive again. But our baby had its own plan and she decided to enter our lives at the most unexpected moment. We found out we were expecting just two days after our wedding, in July 2020, and just a month after the second loss. She turned out to be our special (uninvited but so welcome!) wedding guest of honor and our longed for rainbow baby.

A blood test and ultrasound confirmed that she was a healthy baby, growing inside my womb with a strong and steady heartbeat. I cried when I saw her for the first time in black and white on the screen. So much happiness, so much hope, so much love.

The first few months of pregnancy were filled with joy and excitement, but of course also the common pregnancy symptoms such as morning sickness and fatigue. At the start of the 2nd trimester, things improved, and I felt great! She started to move and kick, and I could feel flutters early on, and just a few weeks later my husband was also able to feel her. Towards the end of the pregnancy she was literally dancing around doing her gymnastics, and making my belly stretch in impossible ways and directions. Around halfway through pregnancy, walking was becoming more difficult due to pregnancy related sciatica and I couldn’t walk or stand more than 10 minutes at a time. This was quite difficult to accept initially, since I love walking and am a very active person. Fortunately, I could continue my yoga and exercise, and baby was basically upside-down doing headstands and downward dogs with me until birth. She was head down early on and perfectly positioned for a natural birth. The last few weeks were rough though, I grew bigger and bigger, and I felt increasingly heavy. Moving, sitting, sleeping was just so difficult and the heartburn was real!

There were no real signs of labor starting. I had random Braxton Hicks every now and then and started losing bits of mucus plug on the Friday before baby was born. On Sunday I kept thinking I was peeing myself, or could that be my waters breaking? After a lazy Sunday, going out for lunch, watching a nonsense comedy on Netflix, walking around the living room and bouncing on my birth ball, and ordering in a sandwich and fries for dinner, I tried to sleep early which obviously was not going to happen. Heartburn kept me up again that night.

I was sitting on the side of the bed, trying to manage the heartburn, when all of a sudden, I felt like I peed myself big time. This time there was no doubt: my waters broke, and a big gush came out, just like in the movies. I said to my husband: “I think my waters broke!”. He didn’t get it and thought I had broken the glass of water next to the bed. “No, I mean the baby water!” We got all excited and he asked if we should go to the hospital, but I told him we should wait until surges were there and had picked up enough as we had learned in the birthing classes. We messaged our doula, who suggested we should try to go back to sleep and let her know once surges were starting.

My husband managed to sleep for an hour or so, but I couldn’t. The surges almost immediately started, lasting 2-3 minutes every 20 minutes and I wasn’t comfortable lying down. Walking, forward leaning and on all fours were the most comfortable to manage the period-like cramps. After an hour or so, the surges shifted to my back and I applied some pressure with my hands, which gave a bit of relief. It was time to put on the TENS machine, and I woke up my husband to help me put it on. It did seem to help a bit, but surges were definitely picking up fast by now, and around 1:30am the Freya app told me I was in established labor! They were getting stronger and stronger, and I had more difficulty breathing through them.

I kept walking and leaning forward, using the TENS machine, and moaning my way through. It suddenly felt so overwhelming, and the up breathing I had practiced was very difficult to continue at this stage. There was hardly any break in between surges, they came every 2-3 minutes lasting 45 seconds, and were becoming more and more intense.

At 3am my husband suggested again we should consider going to the hospital, and this time I agreed. It was so difficult to focus or do anything at this stage. He helped pack the last bits of our hospital bag and informed our doula that we were going to the hospital. She was also heading there and had informed the doctor we would arrive soon.

Everything kind of happened so fast. I had read and heard so many birth stories, including the ones here on this group, and had this idea in my mind that most first-time moms take hours – even days – to deliver and I was just expecting the same. When surges were coming so hard and fast, I started worrying how I was going to cope with something so powerful for hours and hours. I tried to focus on breathing, but the intensity was just overwhelming, and I couldn’t focus on anything but how intense and fast things were going. I had learned all the pain management techniques, but couldn’t ask for or implement any of them, except using the tens machine and trying to keep moving and vocalizing through, mooing and moaning. All of a sudden, nausea overwhelmed me and I really wanted to throw up, but even that I couldn’t.

It took a while to pack the bag, get the car out and for me to get downstairs. Surges were coming so quickly by now that I had one on top of the stairs, another one halfway down, another one at the door and two more trying to get in the car. It was all getting too much. We were just 10 minutes away from the hospital, probably much less at night without traffic, but all entry roads were blocked for ‘security purposes’ (we live in Delhi where this is a common practice at night, but we completely forgot this could actually happen and never practiced driving our hospital route at night…). We took an extra 5-10 minutes driving around trying to reach the hospital. In the car I told my husband I couldn’t do this anymore – which I remember thinking was a sign of transition. But again, that couldn’t be, my waters broke just 3.5 hours ago! I was sure that as a first-time mom my labor was going to last much longer… My husband assured me we were almost there – at the hospital that is. But that’s not what I meant; I really didn’t think I could labor like this much longer!

I was laboring through, completely turned inward, eyes closed, trying to bring back the calm in between surges and focusing on my breathing. In the car, my husband put his hand on my leg, and suddenly that bit of human contact helped me to calm down and briefly forget the intensity of it all. It felt so good. I wasn’t able to express my needs to my husband (or later to our doula) on how he could help me manage the surges, but all of a sudden the touch of his hand was what I really wanted and all I wanted. I told him this and his hand didn’t leave my leg until we reached the hospital.

At the hospital, there was some confusion of where to go, and while my husband sorted things out, I spent another 5 minutes (and 3 surges mooing and moaning) outside leaning against a wall, trying to ignore the guards who were right there staring at my back. Finally, a nurse came, and our doula also just arrived. We went inside to the room where someone checked me. It was the first time I got checked, as I had refused the internal examination during earlier appointments. It wasn’t easy climbing on the bed and lying down – fortunately they could check me lying on my side. At this stage I took the TENS machine off. Big surprise, I was 10 cm dilated!!! But then again, probably not a surprise since I had been feeling so much pressure in my lower abdomen and I was probably transitioning in the car (and before that probably already at home…).

We walked (there was no way I could sit in a wheelchair, although they offered me one) to the labor room where they told me I could start pushing if I wanted to. My doula told me to listen to my body, and asked me what position I wanted to be in. I really didn’t know. She understood and guided me with different suggestions and positions. That was so helpful, because I was just completely lost, floating somewhere in outer space. I went from leaning forward, on hands and knees, squatting on the birth stool, sitting on the toilet (and trying to pee which I couldn’t), lunging sideways on the bed and squatting on the bed to finally just lying down on my back, trying to rest a bit. I was so warm and so thirsty, they kept switching the AC and fan off, thinking the baby could come any time and wanted the room to be warm for her. My doula kept giving me sips of water and put a cold washcloth on my face, which felt amazing.

My doula also spoke up for me when they wanted to put the canula in, which I didn’t want and was also not necessary at this stage. After an hour and a half of pushing, the doctor suggested she could do an episiotomy to speed things up, as she was afraid I would otherwise tear. I told her I was okay tearing. I continued to push, and the doctor started to do perineal massage to reduce the risk of tearing. They kept checking baby’s heartbeat (with a Doppler, I wasn’t hooked up to any monitors, which allowed me to stay active!), but after almost 2 hours of pushing and baby’s head bopping (almost) out and back in for about 10 minutes and them being unable to find baby's heartbeat at that stage, the doctor again suggested to do the episiotomy, because it was really time for her to come out. This time I agreed. I was so tired, exhausted, and realized I was afraid to tear and feeling that ring of fire was freaking me out. I wasn’t relaxed enough, and I needed that bit of help to get her out safe and fast.

While I had planned and wished for a water birth, or at least a natural birth in an upright position with least amount of interventions, eventually I couldn’t get back up from the bed. I was just too tired to shift to another position, and in between surges, every time when my doula suggested I could go back up on all fours, I just couldn’t. Finally, at 5.49am our daughter came out just like in one of those movie like scenes: me lying on my back and pushing and moaning like a cow, the nurses pushing my knees up in my face, and the doctor intervening with an episiotomy. Not at all what I had planned, but it was what I (and baby) needed at that moment, and I am totally okay with it. I knew I had given it all and was grateful for a bit of help at this stage.

Actually, they say that births don’t happen as they show in the movies, and they definitely don’t, but my birth did start and end just like the movies: a big gush as my waters broke and baby entering this world while lying on my back pushing like a mad woman .

Baby actually had the cord wrapped around her neck twice, which (fortunately!) was not a concern for anyone and the doctor just spun her around twice when she came out and put her on my chest for immediate skin to skin. She was already a little acrobat inside the womb and that’s how she started her life outside as well. After delayed cord clamping, my husband cut the cord. Babies eyes were wide open, and she looked at use in wonder. They offered to give me the injection to get the placenta out, which I was absolutely fine with at this stage, since I was completely exhausted after 2 hours of pushing and just wanted to enjoy the golden hour.

After a quick check to see if baby was okay (all good!!) she came back to my chest and just kept looking at me when she found my breast and started feeding. That breast crawl is a real thing, and it was so amazing to see how natural breastfeeding felt for us both, right from the start. We spent a good hour like this, while they also stitched me up. That was honestly not a pleasant experience, even with the local anesthesia, and it felt like it took forever. They then took her to the nursery for some further checkups, and my husband went with her. I was transferred to the room, and thankfully our doula stayed with me.

We spent the next day and a half in the hospital, in amazement, getting to know each other, and it was just magical. All her tests and checks were good, and she already received her vaccinations like a champ (just a little cry, no biggie). We were allowed to go home early (just a day and a half after birth), which was super scary (because: did we really know what we were doing??) and also really amazing, just being together and enjoying the baby bubble.

Reflecting back, I can say that (almost) no birth goes as planned, and while you can have birth preferences, it’s important to avoid getting stuck on a certain plan or idea. I had hoped for a water birth, but after getting checked at the hospital and being fully dilated, they had stopped inflating the birth pool (they had only just started, and obviously there was no time to get it ready since I was ready to start pushing). And that is okay. On the other hand, as a first time mom I also had a long labor in my mind, and really had to change that narrative in my head since this birth turned out to last just 6 hours and was so different from what I had expected.

Furthermore, it’s so important to let go of any fears beforehand, especially the ones rooted deep down. I thought I did, but during pushing, I realized I hadn’t let go completely of my fear of tearing, which I feel held me back from fully relaxing my pelvic floor and allowing my body to push down and baby out. My body was definitely doing the pushing, not me, but being able to relax more and do the down breathing would have helped for sure. No regrets though, this was such a positive birth experience and I feel so empowered having done this and I’m fully content with how things went.

I didn’t want any pain medication or epidural, and instead had hoped to use all the natural pain relief techniques I learned. But while in the moment, apart from using the TENS machine, I honestly couldn’t remember any of it and was completely turned inwards during most of the labor. The shower, counter pressure, breathing techniques, the birth pool, all was a faint and distant memory and I didn’t know what I needed or how to ask for it. But the same goes with the epidural, it didn’t even cross my mind once that that was an option or that I could ask for pain medication. What I learned here, is that it is important to prep your birth partner as much as possible, so that he can also offer the support you may need, especially when you don’t have a doula or when she’s not there yet.

What turned out to be important as well: prepare well with a course (I really enjoyed the PBC, including practicing the up-breathing, daily relaxations and reading all the birth stories from everyone!), make sure you have your birth preferences written out, and be completely comfortable with your birth team (switching doctors, hospitals and having a doula was the best decision for us!).

Overall, this was such a positive experience and we're super happy in our baby bubble enjoying every blessed moment together.