What You Need to Know About Disabled Parenting

I’m a disabled Mum to four kiddos, I’ve always been disabled but I only started using a wheelchair a few years ago after my fourth son was born. There’s something about a wheelchair that draws all sorts of silly assumptions. For example when we’re out and about people don’t think I’m the parent. We went to a petting farm one day, I was next to my then one year old in his buggy and someone went to hand him a baby chick. I was all “Oh no he can’t have that he’ll eat it” to which they totally ignored me, passed him the chick and predictably Cary did indeed try to eat it.

People see me in my chair with my non working legs and make the presumption that all of me must be broken. When the reality is that just like non-disabled people some of us can have biological children and some of us can’t.

There’s also this notion that disabled people wouldn’t be very good parents. Surely if you need extra care then you’re not going to be able to give care. This is also nonsense and presumes that as a parent (disabled or not) that you’re able to do all the things. When in reality we all have our strengths and weaknesses as parents.

There are things I can’t do, when my youngest was born I couldn’t stand up and rock him when he needed comforting. I couldn’t bring him up or down the stairs either and I didn’t feel confident to take him out on my own. That was all ok though, my partner would do the standing up rocking and I’d do the sitting down boobing. My teenage children would help with the up and down the stairs bit and I’d go out with the help of someone else too. It takes a village right?

As he’s got older there’s been bonuses of having the chair. Sitting on my lap while we whizz round the house pretending I’m a bus is one of his favourite things to do as are our epic kitchen discos. Having experienced parenting on legs that work and now on legs that don't, the things that are hardest, the things that are most challenging haven’t really changed.

My worries, my challenges are likely very similar to yours. Getting them to sleep through the night, getting them to not wake up at the crack of dawn. Getting them to eat something that’s not beige or breaded. Getting my teenagers to leave the house and get some fresh air every now and then. Screen time, homework, brushing their teeth twice a day. The feeling of desperately wanting them to go to bed but then missing them when they do. All the usual parental challenges and worries that have nothing to do with being in a wheelchair.

I found myself chasing my two smaller kids round the house the other day in an epic game of “Mummy is a scary giant” and one of my elder two remarked that we used to play that game when he was little. The only difference is now I’m playing it on wheels which is an advantage because I’m quicker but also a disadvantage because stairs are my kryptonite.

The hardest thing about being a disabled parent is that society doesn’t acknowledge we exist. When have you ever seen a disabled parent in an advert or on the telly? There’s no products for disabled parents out there either, when I needed to find a safe way to carry my youngest on my lap when I was using my mobility scooter I relied on my disabled community to give me tips and hacks to do that safely.

As a wheelchair user if I want to go to the cinema or to see a show I need to have a wheelchair space in the theatre. When It comes to booking these tickets you’re only ever offered the wheelchair space and one “carers” ticket. As a family of six this has made trying to all go see something together pretty impossible.

It’s not a shame that I’m a disabled parent it’s a shame that I live in an inaccessible world with far too many stairs and not nearly enough ramps and drop curbs. I’m not inspiring for being a disabled parent either. Sometimes people will tell me in the most patronising way how well I’m doing, that I’m parenting so well despite my disability. Well I don’t do anything despite my disability because I don’t see my disability as a negative thing. It’s more that I’m parenting so well despite the lack of access and the outdated attitudes and ridiculous comments from strangers.

Disabled parents exist and just like non-disabled parents we have our good days and our bad days. I’m not so inspiring when I’ve had a terrible night's sleep and I let the kids help themselves out of the snack drawer for breakfast (or maybe that is inspiring) . We all parent in different ways. We all rely on help sometimes. We all have things we’re great at (bedtime stories with amazing character voices) and things we’re not so great at (messy play makes me shudder) We’re all a bit tired, all second guessing ourselves all the time, all filled with the dreaded ‘am I good enough’ parental guilt, and mostly we’re all loving these little parts of hearts that roam around on the outside so much that it makes us wanna burst.

Nina Tame is a Disability Activist and Crip Therapist. Follow Nina on Instagram: @Nina_Tame