A Positive Termination Following Medical Reasons Birth Experience

This post was generously shared with us, and the birth parent wishes to remain anonymous. It discusses a positive birth experience after a termination for medical reasons (TFMR). Please read with care.

In the sad circumstances of a termination for medical reasons (TFMR), we had a positive birth experience last year. I’m glad to be able to share it with you.

Following our 20-week scan and further investigations, we learned that our baby had an inoperable lung condition. Our baby had no long-term chance of survival and the chance of them surviving after birth was tiny. Had they survived, they would not have had working lungs. We decided to follow medical advice to end our much-wanted second pregnancy.

We found the days leading up the termination and induction hard. I felt our baby’s movements several times each day and we felt such sadness, in particular for our older child who would never know their sibling.

Welcoming the bereavement midwives in to help us felt the right thing to do at this point. They discussed coping strategies with us, both from a physical and a mental perspective. It was a great comfort to us both having them with us.

When we went into hospital for the termination, the team looking after us were very kind. One said “your baby didn’t suffer”, and another said “it was the right thing.” When we left, they said, “see you soon for happier news.” Our thoughts then naturally turned to the induction and birth, which would take place two days later.

We decided to engage the same doula whom we had booked previously to be present at the birth. She encouraged me to use the same Positive Birth Company affirmations and think about the same internal and physical resources that I would have done if birthing our baby alive and at full term.

Our baby’s birth was everything I hoped it would be – peaceful, reflective, and dignified. It gave us the chance to say goodbye in the way that felt right for us. The team gave us such individualised and compassionate care in our sad circumstances, from providing a room separate to the main delivery suite, through to respecting our birth preferences.

My experiences of death previously had made me reflect quite a lot with the bereavement midwives on how it might be best for me to labour, and then deliver our baby. I was thankful to make some pragmatic choices which have made living well with what happened possible. For example, I accepted the pain relief on offer – a morphine drip and gas and air. This enabled me to ‘breathe our baby out’ and experience the sensations of labour and birth, while still taking the edge off the pain. I remember feeling awe at these sensations and how incredible the body is. It gave me confidence for next time, and also a feeling of looking forward to experiencing them again in happier times.

I knelt up to deliver our baby and faced the head of the bed, requesting in advance that the midwife team brought our baby in after they had washed and dressed them. The bereavement team had discussed with us how our baby might look and feel given that they were being born just short of 24 weeks. In an out-of-control situation, this was a choice which enabled us to meet our baby in the way we felt was right for us.

We chose to spend a couple of hours with our baby and have some photographs taken before leaving the hospital. We also decided that it felt right for us to give our baby a name, and to hold a funeral – just us as a couple.

It’s nearly a year later when I write this and I’m expecting our third child this spring. I’m looking forward to the birth and the prospect of returning to our local hospital for happier news. The ongoing support of our bereavement midwives and our doula has helped us get to this positive and grateful place.

Whatever your circumstances reading this story – whether you’re a parent in a similar situation or a professional supporting families through a similar situation – I wish you the best in making decisions that feel right for you, or helping others make decisions that feel right for them.

This year we have partnered with Tommy’s Baby Charity. 50p from the sale of every digital course in the PBC collection will go to fund Tommy’s important work. You can find baby loss information and support on the Tommy’s website here.