My son is a massive drive for me to become the person who I feel I am

Im Alex - a 20 year old single, trans and gay dad. I am dad to my beautiful son Gray, who is 2 years old. To explain how I got to be in a position of becoming an LGBT single parent, I’ll be talking about my transition and my pregnancy journey. 

I came out to my family as a trans man aged 14/15 years old. Being so young, I hadn’t thought about what this would mean for my future and if I wanted to carry my own children or not. Thankfully, my family was supportive and have supported every decision I have made towards my future. At the age of 16 I decided to come out socially and I changed my name as well. This was the first step into becoming my happier self. 

When I found out I was pregnant I was 18 and in a state of panic. I hadn't thought about what this would mean for my medical transition, as well as socially; how people would understand that I'm pregnant but identify as a man. In the early stages of pregnancy, I didn't show, so I was more comfortable in myself as I didn't feel the need to explain as to why I had a bump. During that time, my partner and I were incredibly excited. 

As for how I felt physically during the pregnancy, I suffered with terrible morning sickness, which lasted through the first and second trimester. I felt constantly rubbish and didn't want to get out of bed most days. I also got diagnosed with preeclampsia, which is a condition in pregnancy characterised by high blood pressure, sometimes with fluid retention and proteinuria. The last two months of my pregnancy I stopped working and decided to take it easy, having had a rough pregnancy from start to finish. I wanted to take some time to relax and prepare for having a baby. 

Two weeks before I gave birth, I was in hospital due to the preeclampsia and I was waiting to be induced,  which finally happened on the evening of 24th February, at about 10pm. The birth itself was eventful to say the least! Gray was born within 4 hours of them breaking my waters and starting the induction. During the birth they had to press the emergency button as, when I was having contractions, Gray's heartbeat would stop. I'm extremely thankful for the doctors and nurses who dealt with the situation and also kept me calm and helped in the delivery of Gray. 

I think for all parents, the first time they hold their child is amazing and for me that was no different. I remember looking at my son and thinking, ‘He's perfect’. Alongside those feelings I was so overwhelmed. I was holding Gray and I can remember feeling the beginning of a panic attack. I was so overwhelmed with the whole situation I was in from now being a parent to giving birth, to not having slept in 3 days. 

During my pregnancy and the delivery the doctors and midwives and nurses all correctly called me dad and during my stay in hospital after Gray was born both me and Gray’s dad were called dad. They were so understanding and made me feel so comfortable. They changed Gray's NHS information to say Parent 1 and Parent 2 instead of using Mum and Dad, which I felt was amazingly considerate and showed me that my type of family was accepted.

When Gray was 6 months old I started my medical transition and for me this was starting to take testosterone. Gray came with me to get my first injection and he's come to many since. He's a massive drive for me to become the person who I feel I am. Most single parents will understand this but when you don't have a partner to lean on, you and your child become a team and incredibly close. 

One of my goals as a parent is to teach Gray all about the LGBTQ+ community and teach him to love himself and feel comfortable in his own skin. 

I am now 18 months into my medical transition and in the process of taking the next step in my transition. I’m hoping to do this and continue my journey when it is safe to do so. 

Follow Alex on Instagram - @daddy_to_gray.