Birth story - Nina and baby Ezekiel

*Trigger warning* - mention of miscarriages, blood loss, 2nd degree tear, mention of not being able to continue with labour.

Long over due post! Thanks to PBC I have had a very positive first birth and I’d do it again tomorrow!

Background:

In 2020 I had 3 miscarriages- January, March and July. I then found out I was pregnant with the boy who is now my rainbow baby in September 2020. As you probably can imagine, my pregnancy with Ezekiel was an anxious one all the way through. If I hadn’t gone through the miscarriages then my pregnancy would have been amazing! I had no morning sickness, I loved my growing body, I felt so healthy and full of energy the whole way through.

I have written my birth story as a letter to my son and husband. So here goes!

My dearest sweet boy, Ezekiel Eliah Nash - Born Friday 7th May 2021 4:35:20am weighing 7lbs 2oz. Friday's child is loving and giving.

My strong, supportive and most incredible husband, Iain.

I love you more than you will ever know.

My pregnancy was the first time I connected with you, Ezekiel. You are the only person in this whole world who knows what my heart sounds like from the inside. I love you so much. I have written my labor and birth story because it was a time that I fully connected with you, Iain in a way I don't ever think I'll be able to connect with anyone else. I truly believe conception, pregnancy and birth connects a man and woman in a completely new and deeper way.

I found my labor and birth a positive one. Iain might say different. And when reading this it might not sound pleasant in places, but I really did enjoy my labor and birth which is why I don't want to forget it.

I will go from the start. So here goes...

I lost my mucus plug at 7pm on 5th May. I remember being in the en-suite and shouting out to Iain who was watching TV in bed. He replied "that's so exciting!" which I found cute so I came out smiling. I was so excited and so was Iain as we knew things were starting.

I woke up at around 5am on 6th May (my heavenly dads birthday) with lower back ache and pain in my tummy as if it was the first day of my period. I then felt like I needed to poo. I kept pooing until about 9am. I heard from someone else this is what happened to them before they went into labor so I just knew we would have a baby very soon. It was my body having a clear out before birth. I also noticed that when I was having a wee, there was a tiny trickle which I believe was my waters - I later found that this was only my back waters (I didn't realize you have two!). At 6am I called my midwife who said to call the maternity led unit as it sounded like early stages of labor and that my waters were breaking. I really believe that my Dad had something to do with this. He was definitely looking over us! Helped to get things started.

At this point I had a wave of emotions. I thanked the midwife so much as if she did something to kick start labor! I think it was because she confirmed to me it was early signs of labor and I was just so excited. I couldn't believe things were happening so quick. A few people said it took them about a week after losing their mucus plug for labor to start. But it seemed Zeek didn't want to hang about!

Iain woke up after I finished off the phone to the midwife. I called the maternity led unit who told me to have breakfast and make my way to them within the next 2 hours as they needed to check if, and how, dilated I was and if my water were definitely breaking.

We arrived at the maternity led unit at around 1pm on 6th May. The room looked like a Spa! Hot tub, twinkly lights on the ceiling, a double bed, pregnancy ball, a stool thing, baby weighing thing and a cot. We were practicing hypnobirthing so the room was a perfect and relaxed environment for us.

I was then examined to see if my waters had broken (which the midwife confirmed they had) and we were told to expect a baby soon as we were 3cm but stretching to 4cm! Woohoo almost in active labor!

I was then examined again at around 5pm. I was told my cervix was softening but I was still 3-4cm. I got really sad because I was convinced that I would be further into it and closer to meeting my baby. Iain reassured me and told me that we were closer because now the cervix was soft.

We were told that if I didn't dilate more by the next examination (9:30pm) then we would be sent home to wait for things to happen more. Whilst she was examining me, she asked me whether I wanted her to do a sweep. I know from hypnobirthing and research that there is no evidence a sweep actually starts labor so at first I told her I didn't want to have it done due to the possible risk of causing infection. Then Iain decided we should use BRAIN (hypnobirthing technique to make a decision). We went through this out loud - Benefits: it could start labor, we won't be sent home and we could have the baby soon. Risk: infection and might not start labor and is pointlessly making me feel uncomfortable. Alternatives: there isn't any at this point. Instinct: says to do it and give it a try because we don't want to go home. Nothing: then we could be sent home and I do not want this. This helped us make the decision to do a sweep. She managed to do a mini sweep because I found it too uncomfortable to do a full one. This seemed to work anyway!

To try and get things going, and from what I have learned from Hypnobirthing, we decided to go out for a walk and we went to Greggs to grab some snacks and sandwiches.

At this point, I was feeling contractions in waves and they were definitely stronger. Me and Iain did a slow walk and when I felt a contraction, I would have to stop, feel the wave and then continue. I used up breathing (in for 4 and out for 6 through these contractions which helped massively and helped keep me calm.

After this walk I felt that the contractions got a little stronger. But I kept with my up-breathing and decided to put on the Tens machine which Iain helped me with. Just before my examination, me and Iain guessed how dilated they would say I was (I guessed 6cm and Iain guessed 5cm). We took a few labor pictures, ate to keep up my energy levels and relaxed. I bounced on my ball and continued to stay upright and use gravity to advance labor in hope that we wouldn't be sent home.

The contractions were coming on harder and lasting longer - even the midwife said that she was pretty sure we were close now by just looking at me. I was getting tired and felt that the tens machine was no longer helping as much. I saw the contractions coming. It started off as a small tingle in my lower back working its way to the front. The best way to describe this was as if the pain was trying to hug my abdomen from the back. The pain worked its way to my front where it peaked. At the time, I visualized a wave (which was strange because I didn't practice visualizations but did read about it) but somehow this calmed me through the contractions along with up breathing and holding on to Iain. The waves I imagined helped me through the pain each time. When I felt a contraction come on, I closed my eyes, saw a wave starting to appear in the back. At the peak of the contraction, the wave was at its highest and close to me and I knew it was going to come down again in a minute which meant the pain will be over very soon. I can't believe this helped to keep me calm. Looking back, I think this was the best thing I did to keep focused and it helped me not need pain relief.

At 9:30pm I had another examination. I was getting contractions through the examination so the midwife had to pause a few times to let them pass. I was then told we were about 8/9cm dilated! I couldn't believe it. I got so happy and felt a sense of relief! I was thinking at this point that our baby is going to be here so soon! I remember a huge relief and feeling of excitement as I got ready to meet our baby. I was tired but I was so excited to start pushing. It's all I could think about.

Whilst the midwife was examining me, she found that my front waters were not broken and were tight on Zeek's head meaning it was close to breaking but wasn't broken! She asked me if I wanted her to break them and told me it would speed things up more. I instantly agreed to this because I just wanted to meet our boy.

She broke my waters, I felt like a water balloon had burst between my legs as the water came gushing out. It weirdly made me feel a little lighter. As if some pressure had released. I said 'omg it feels like I'm pissing myself! It's gushing out!' Iain and the midwives laughed - I'm glad I could still make them laugh! I was then asked if I wanted the birthing pool to be filled so that I could use it as pain relief which I agreed so Iain removed the tens machine.

As soon as I got into the water, I instantly felt better. The hot water on my back really helped me through my contractions along with my wave visualization, up breathing and Iain massaging my back and shoulders. Iain was behind me the whole way. I remember at one point after a contraction thinking to myself how did I get so lucky to have such a supportive husband who has been the most perfect birth partner.

After a few hours of intense contractions with no pain relief apart from the water, for a few of my contractions I felt as though I was too exhausted to carry on. With a few contractions I kept saying at the peak of the contraction that I couldn't do it anymore. Iain was behind me outside of the pool holding me. Every time I said I couldn't do it, he would encourage me by saying 'yes you can, you have done so much already. You are closer to meeting Zeek. You are doing so well'. The 3 midwives I had in the room (the main one who delivered Zeek was called Rochelle), were also so encouraging. They would also be saying 'yes you can do this. You are doing well'. It really helped me get through the contractions.

After a few more hours, I felt so tired and exhausted. I really thought they would have to help me birth my baby with how tired I was feeling. I was falling asleep in the pool in between contractions - I didn't think this was possible but I have now learnt that when the body is so exhausted, it will just crash. I can't even imagine how Iain was feeling. He had always said to me he didn't want to see me in pain so me saying I couldn't do it anymore must have traumatized him - I'm sorry.

I remember feeling a sense of 'I want this just to be over now'. I kept asking the midwives to have a look and tell me how much longer it would be because I just wanted it to be over and for Zeek to be here NOW. But they wouldn't tell me.

After some time, they then asked me what I was feeling. I felt like I needed a poo. At the time I didn't realize it was my body telling me to push. I thought I just needed to poo. Rochelle said to go with the feeling and to push if that's what it was feeling like. So on my next contraction and pressure I was feeling, I let out a strong grunt and pushed. It felt really strange! The midwife was looking at my birth path through a mirror to see if she could see his head.

Every time I wanted to push, Iain put his hands out. I squeezed as I pushed. In my head at this point I kept thinking 'that's one over and one closer to seeing Zeek'.

After a few hours of pushing, my body was really exhausted. I was full on sleeping in between pushing. I could never even imagine how this would happen but it did. My body was so relaxed in the water that my contractions were starting to slow down. The midwife then told me I needed to get up and use gravity to start them again and continue pushing.

As soon as I stood up feeling like a complete zombie. A contraction came on straight away so I grabbed on to the side of the pool by Iain, and forced another push. After this I moved really quickly to the step, got myself out and made my way to the toilet shaped seat thing which is what I found comfortable the most. Sitting up with my knees apart pushing. Iain was sat behind me on a stool.

When I had a contraction at this point, I put my hands behind me. Knowing there was nothing for me to hold on to, Iain grabbed my hands. I would squeeze, Hard.

I started to become scared. Scared I wasn't able to do this. I asked the midwives to help me. I told them to help get him out. I was just exhausted. I know this sounds like I was in pain and doesn't sound positive. But in my head, I had imbedded so much that I was connecting with Zeek. This is the first thing I was doing for him as a mother. I was a mother. That helped me get through. It helped me to continue to push and helped me to see this birth as a positive story. The thought that motherhood was a few pushes away. It kept me going and kept me feeling positive.

When I was squeezing Iain's hands, I became mindful that I may be hurting him. At first I was interlocking my fingers with his and squeezing. I then changed this and held his hand from the side instead hoping it was less painful for him but still needing his hands to squeeze. I'm not sure whether this was less painful for him. But he did say that he tried to squeeze back but couldn't because my strength was so powerful.

Zeek's head was making its way down more and more with every push and every contraction. At one stage the midwife asked me if I wanted to feel his head because he was crowning. I made them laugh again because I pulled a disgusted face and said 'eew no!' because I thought it would feel weird. I did however look down between my legs to see if I could see anything. I then said 'omg my fanny looks massive and wide'! Everyone in the room started laughing again.

I was just saying all sorts throughout labor, by the sounds of it now looking back, but again this made Iain and the midwives laugh! I smiled myself too when I made these silly comments.

I remember looking at the clock and it being 3:45am. I thought to myself it has to be soon - I can feel it. I've been pushing for so long. With my contractions now I could feel burning (assumed this was Zeek's head) so I knew I had to be close. I was thinking to myself, I won't get this chance again, so in my own time I put my hand below and began to feel. I felt his head! I was so excited and shocked! There was an opening and his head was just there. It kind of felt slimy! It definitely gave me the push I needed to carry on. When I felt that tiny opening and felt his head, I remember feeling a massive wave of emotions. I couldn't believe I was about to enter motherhood.

At the next few set of contractions, the midwife kept encouraging me to push harder, once more and to keep pushing for longer. I didn't use down-breathing that I learned and practiced in hypnobirthing because I did just want to birth my baby at this point. I remember Rochelle saying to me 'I know hypnobirthing teaches you to breathe your baby out but lets just get him here'. Probably not the best advice for a hypnobirthing couple but it was what I needed to hear.

I don't know how much longer after this and I don't know where I got my energy from but as I looked down, I saw the tip of Zeek's head hanging out. I saw hair. I felt his head with soft tips of my fingers not wanting to hurt him. I felt my eyes bulge wide open and my heart racing. I thought to myself 'is that his head? Why is it so small and squashed looking?'. But also when I saw this I had an urgency to get him out and was determined the next push was going to be the last one and would be the one that he enters the world to. So getting my energy level ready I leaned back on to Iain and with the next contraction (and what was the final contraction) I held my breath so hard, closed my eyes, squeezed Iain's hand as hard as I could. And with determination and with complete control and power, I gave a hard and long push and kept pushing. I remember feeling so powerful. I was ready to be called mommy - this was where my final strength came from. I remember thinking that I waited so long for this moment. And the moment was finally here.

I felt the midwife below me and against the burning sensation I felt, there was a huge relief as I felt a 'pop' followed by a similar sensation as to when my waters broke (the main front waters).

I heard his powerful cry. That sound is something I will never forget.

Iain turned my head, I looked at him, he was crying. I let out screams of relief as Iain kissed me crying, telling me I had done it!

Zeek was shown to me and put in my arms for a brief second. I looked down at that tiny crying face. My whole world was in my arms. My heart felt so full. Even writing this I cannot put into words how full of love I felt and how magical that first moment was as I cradled my newly born son.

Our birth plan included delayed cord clamping, me cutting the cord (because Iain is squeamish and didn't want to) and me having skin to skin contact straight away. However, the midwife quickly informed me that this would not be possible due to the amount of blood that I was losing. I found out I had lost a litre of blood and they told me they needed to find out where it was coming from and stop it as quickly as possible which is why we couldn't do any of the above. I needed to get on to the bed ASAP.

Zeek was handed to Iain. We had in our birth plan that in the event I couldn't do skin to skin right away, Iain would.

I was moved to the bed. It was time to birth the placenta. I was given the injection and I don't really remember anything else that the nurse was doing - I only felt slight tugging but I was distracted by Iain cradling our boy. I just lay on the bed with my legs up whilst the midwife did what she was doing.

In my exhausted state, I could see Iain cradling our son on the opposite end of the room. It is an image I will never forget. He looked so proud. I remember thinking to myself that I couldn't believe I was able to give Iain that look of achievement. The look of happiness and completeness. I just stared at Iain cradling our son thinking back to the last 18 hours of labor and birth. Replaying how lucky I was to be in that moment right there. How lucky I was to have such a supportive husband - thinking about how much he helped me get through this and how he was constantly on hand for my every need. How lucky I was to birth my baby naturally and how lucky I was to now be called mommy to the most perfect little boy.

Iain came over to the bed and sat next to me with the baby. I couldn't take my eyes off our son. I couldn't believe we produced something so beautiful. I couldn't believe he was finally in our lives. Finally in our arms. I remember starting to cry because in that moment, I was just so happy. I have never been so happy in my life.

I was told that I had a second degree tear (involving the skin and muscles in the perineal area) hence, the blood loss. I couldn't feel the tear. I thought to myself, its right what they say, you really can't feel it. I'm glad.

I had to move beds so that I could get stitched up. The midwife explained I had a neat 'Y' shaped tear so it should be a straight forward continual stitch. For some strange reason when she began, I got ticklish! It was a strange feeling. I didn't use any pain relief apart from the pool and didn't use gas and air either for the actual labor and birth but for this I had to use gas and air to help me. I find this funny now.

Whilst I was being stitched up, Iain was on the bed on the left of me. Again, cradling our boy. I just couldn't take my eyes off of them.

When I was eventually stitched up, I felt dizzy getting up but the midwife helped me walk slowly over back to the bed Iain and Zeek were on. I sat down and was finally able to have skin to skin with Zeek. I felt a sense of relief. His skin on my skin made me cry once more. This time I was bawling my eyes out. I still couldn't believe we had done it. I felt an overwhelming sense of achievement and my heart was so full. Zeek started feeding straight away. I remember laying there thinking, 'he knows I'm his mommy because he found my breast straight away!'. That connection I felt was something else and a connection with Zeek and Iain that I will treasure forever.

I was on cloud nine.

I am still on cloud nine.

This is my very positive birth story