Birth story - Mum and baby boy

I had a planned section as I was still VERY pregnant at 42+1 and in a lot of pain; I have a spinal condition which meant that inducing my labour could have been problematic and after using my BRAIN, I opted for an elected caesarean. It was calm with music and a relaxed atmosphere… and I wrote the below almost as a letter to myself which I thought might help others who have had to come to terms with not having the birth that they had envisioned.

A plan

A plan had been made, just a plan,

A plan to deliver you safe and sound,

A plan with a birth pool and fairy lights,

A plan where I’d planned the surrounds.

A plan with a playlist and candles,

A plan with dimmed lighting too,

A plan where I’d birth our baby myself,

Delivering into the world, you.

Our actual story is different,

And you didn’t come as planned,

I didn’t get to birth you myself,

I didn’t get to lift you with my hands.

Instead my stomach was cut,

Several layers torn and stretched,

A spinal to prevent me from feeling,

That made me sick, how I wretched.

My plan had created a safe place,

Those room sprays, that dimmed lighting,

Instead it was a clinical theatre,

That smelt and felt quite frightening,

My body was made to do this,

How can it fail me this way?

Why am I lying here feeling so numb?

Will everything be okay?

I’ll never forget the moment,

They looked at me and declared,

‘Your baby will be here in a minute’

So excited, so surreal, so scared.

You burst into our lives,

The drapes lowered for us to see,

Your frowning expression and pursed lips,

The most perfect vision to me.

Our birth story was not as I’d planned,

And not entirely as expected,

But you and I, we both were safe,

It was us that they’d protected.

The doctors, the nurses, the midwives,

The theatre staff, and of course, your dad,

They all worked tirelessly that day,

So really, was it all that bad?

Did it matter that it didn’t go to plan,

No room spray, no fairy lights?

Did it matter that I didn’t lift you up?

No, because you were alright.

And I’d do it again in a heartbeat,

Be cut open layer by layer,

If it meant I could see you arrive safely,

After every hope and prayer.