Birth story - Emma and baby Halle

*Trigger Warning* - second degree tear, reduced growth/blood flow issues, early induction, death of family, cancer.

I could waffle on for days with how my pregnancy went, between the twice weekly scans for growth and blood flow issues, death of my husbands grandad, lung caner diagnosis of my nan, ah man, it was honestly a shit ride, my head was all over the place, I couldn't think straight and all I wanted was a redeeming home birth after a pretty rubbish birth with my first which led to a cascade of intervention with him being back to back and leaving us pretty scarred from the experience. But I had lost the chance of a home birth around 24 weeks when things started to go a little south.

The decision was made about 35 weeks for baby to come soon as she would likely do better out then in and to be honest I was done with daily trips to the hospital and the anxiety that came with her inconsistent movements and was hanging on to the hope of my nanny meeting her before she passed. I opted for induction after much back and forth so was booked in for 36 weeks.

Once it was booked I felt a little peace, a huge weight had been lifted and I had a little over a week to get everything in order. Sadly my husbands grandad died so we spent a lot of that week between his nans and visiting my nanny, but at least I didn't have to worry about choosing between a section or induction. Induction day arrived and there wasn't a bed ready at 8am. We pottered around, took my son to the park to keep busy, but I also hadn't felt her move again that morning so popped in for monitoring, all was OK and a bed wasn't ready yet so we headed out for some big filth burgers when I had the call to go in, needless to say I still went for said filthy burger before heading in, it was delicious!

The plan was to try the balloon to keep it drug free, but being only 36 weeks, nothing was favourable and despite an attempt to have the balloon inserted by a heavy handed consultant she called it quits half way through as I was clearly in pain. I think if she had explained the process, then explained what she was doing as she went along I might have been OK, or could have made the call myself, but that wasn't the case. The 24hr pessary was inserted and I had a cry as I felt everything would be down hill from that point. Within a few hours it felt like the world would fall out of me and I was having mild irregular contractions, I kept up and moving as much as possible and had to breathe through some, was this actually going to work?! No, no it wasn't, 24hrs later and there had been no change to my cervix, however I was still mildly contracting so they couldn't insert the gel. I tried to stay positive and was enjoying the peace on the ward. I took so much entertainment with me, but the silence (well, noise I could ignore) was a relief and it was the most calm I had felt for months. The next morning everything had died down so in went the gel. Much of the same happened in that 12 hours, I went to sleep and was monitored about 2am which showed I was still contracting. The next morning all had died down and the next lot had been inserted. This is where I knew I was going to draw the line, I had my plan in place for a gentle section, if this second lot of gel didn't work I would call it a day. I had mild irregular contractions through the day and discharged myself so I could visit my nanny incase I wouldn't make it out in time, she was having a good day and it was a bit of a relief to get out the hospital for a few hours.

After the 12 hours was up, I had dilated to 2cm so was on the list to go down to have my waters broken. I was only second and the woman next to me (who I did a hypnobirthing course with) was first, however she had been first for 2 days, we had watched women come and go but kept each other sane, although I wondered how much longer I would be on the ward. The next morning at 6am she was taken down, I thought ok, this is good, maybe this evening, but likely tomorrow, but I'm 1st, it's me next! I decided on a morning nap because I could, when I was woken at 9am to go down, shit the bed, this was it!

My husband headed in and, shortly after 10, they attempted to break my waters, this was very uncomfortable and she was unsure if it had worked as they didn't go with a glorious gush....disappointing! She said the best way to ensure would be to attach a clip, now I was so set against having one and I can only assume that it was a bullshit option, but, I knew I would be really restricted with movements on the ctg and knew I had to be upright (after going on my back with my firstborn everything went south so had a bit of fear about being on my back) so I agreed, they offered me gas and air for it, oh my, when you aren't in the thick of it it's wonderful. The clip went on and slowly my waters started to trickle as she moved about. I kept upright, bounced on a ball etc to try to get contractions going to avoid the drip, they offered an hour but I insisted on two but there was nothing, so we started on the drip. This went in at 1pm and nothing happened for the first 2 hours. When the contractions started I was able to breathe through them easily knelt up against the back of the bed and within 1.5hrs they had ramped up and I started on gas and air. They were 4 in ten but I felt like they weren't long enough. I kept with my up breathing with my husband helping me and reminding me to try to relax everything, although its hard to do, when I managed to relax the pain was so much more manageable. I remember thinking, 'wow, this breathing and staying relaxed/not tensing up actually works!'

About 5pm I had an internal wobble, it was becoming intense and I was convinced nothing was happening due to the length of my contractions, I had 2 hours before I would be examined and knew if there had been no change I would ask for a section, or if progress would slow I would need help. I kept quiet to push away the thoughts and power on. I started to get uncomfortable knelt up so sat on the edge of the bed with my feet propped up on a stool, within a few minutes the contractions changed and I could feel everything begin to move down and announced it felt like I needed to poo and my midwife reminded me to just listen and go with my body. At this point I realised my wobble was likely transition and this was happening, it was working, I was in disbelief!

I stayed on the edge of the bed for another hour until I could feel my body pushing at which point the midwife suggested turning the bed into a chair so I could stay in the same position but baby would be able to make their entrance a little easier.

The sensation of her moving down was bizarre, I didn't have this with my first, it was amazing to feel the progress. I went with my body mooing away and using my down breaths to help baby move down which worked so well! With each contraction I could feel her move down then back up as they eased off, it was a little disheartening as I wondered how she would move further down, but it soon changed and after a contraction she stayed put, it was uncomfortable but didn't hurt and I knew this was it. With a bit of coached pushing she arrived in 16 mins after a few contractions, it was incredible! We were on cloud 9! 4 hours from first contraction with no further intervention, we couldn't believe it! We had the usual immediate skin to skin, delayed cord clamping and quickly on the boob. We also got a show and tell of the placenta which was great.

I did have a second degree tear and some grazing which was stitched up shortly after but there were no issues, we were all healthy and just ecstatic that we actually managed to have a positive birth despite being a million miles away from what we had planned. As soon as she was out I had a dame bar that I had been eyeing up the whole time but wasn't allowed due to risk of a section, I didn't think chocolate could get any better, but jeez, that was the best bar of chocolate I had ever eaten, it totally over shadowed the tea and toast that followed shortly.

We made it out of hospital late the next evening and the following morning we headed straight to my nanny's, she was having a good day, it was such a relief she got to meet her. Sadly she passed 8 days later, our daughter is lovingly named after both grandparents we lost, Halle Bobbi Audrey.

Looking back, I thought a lot during the course that it's just common sense and wasn't sure how it was going to help as the affirmations and meditation weren't for us, but knowing exactly what my body was doing along with the breathing exercises really helped me in the moment at to not only stay calm, but to be excited that I could and was doing it, we really couldn't have asked for more.