Birth story - Danni and baby Gabrielle

Second time Mum

Hospital

VBAC

*Trigger warning* - Previous traumatic c-section, epidural fail, sepsis, poor care, pain, PGP, NICU, high dependency, PTSD/PND.

Previous pregnancy

My previous labour and delivery was very traumatic. I was low risk and set for a homebirth, however, I ended up with an emergency c-section after 48 hours of labour and fetal distress. The c-section was classed as a “difficult extraction” where my anaesthesia wore off. My baby went to NICU for a few hours and I ended up with sepsis and all sorts of issues. Mind you I’m a midwife and my care was poor by some of my fellow colleagues.

I was diagnosed and treated for PTSD and Postnatal depression for a year with a small gap in treatment between the pregnancies.

Fast forward to 2nd pregnancy.

I was riddled with PTSD and severe anxiety at 16 weeks of pregnancy as I was in extreme denial. It was a total shock. I had counselling which took a long time to get through to me. This ended at around 34 weeks where I felt more prepared for a VBAC.

I made sure I was booked at a new hospital and I was under the care of a specialist perinatal team. The team was excellent at making sure my anxiety’s were met. I spoke to consultant midwives and obstetricians and I was lucky to have a caseload midwife despite the Covid pandemic. I agonised about my birth as I was dead set against having another c-section where I felt any form of sensation. I was also worried about my toddler because I couldn’t bare experiencing trauma again and her witnessing my upset. I opted for a VBAC with the view to have an elective c-section at 40+3 (my partner did not want me to go over as he was so worried because of what happened last time). Induction was not something I was keen on. I was booked to have my VBAC on the MLU, however, I then got severe pelvic girdle pain needing crutches. The consultant was worried that I wouldn’t be able to climb out of the pool so the MLU wasn’t preferable but it was still my choice. I used my B.R.A.I.N. And I agreed to be on the delivery suite. I didn’t mind where I had my baby as long as my needs were met.

I practised my breathing techniques and visualisations; Sunset and sunrise. I listened to the Freya app affirmations and I also wrote my own. My partner added his own affirmations to them and they were so powerful. I put them on my mirror where I could read them everyday. I used aromatherapy roller balls, different oils for “relaxation”, “harmony” & “peace” until the day I gave birth.

The day of labour

At 39 weeks I lost more show in the morning. I had been losing show and my mucus plug for the whole week so this was like any other day to me. I had PGP so I had niggling in my back but nothing uncomfortable. I kissed my partner goodbye and off he went to work on the other side of London at 9:30am.

At 11:30am I got a trickle which was the start of my waters breaking. I then had a full gush at 12pm which confirmed they had gone. I called the unit where the midwife advised me to go in due to having a previous section, but I knew I wanted to stay home for as long as possible, so I told her I’d go in when I had childcare sorted.

I called my mum and sister to come and help me with my toddler and my partner to come back from work. He and I both thought he had enough time to make it, so we agreed he would leave work at 3pm. My mum and sister didn’t turn up until 2:15pm. I was annoyed they took so long but I was relieved. In the time they took, I hadn’t had any regular tightenings but the ones I did have, I timed them and I practised my up breathing (just to note there wasn’t any pain during the entire labour). My mum and sister laughed and joked how baby wouldn’t be here until 2am and I laughed with them saying, I’m fine with that.

5 mins after they arrived, my surges increased in frequency and strength as if my body totally relaxed because they were with me. I timed them using the Freya app but I wasn’t too good at this as I was tending to my toddler. At 2:30pm, 15 mins after their arrival, my mum applied the TENs machine and begged me to make my way to the hospital. As I wasn’t in any discomfort, I declined and said I’d wait for my partner and continued to use my TENs and apply my aromatherapy roller-balls. She must’ve observed changes in me that I didn’t feel or notice as exactly 15 mins after, at 2:45pm, I asked my mum to take me to the hospital immediately! Looking back, I think this was transition but I still wasn’t in any discomfort. During the drive, I practised my visualisations and up breathing; sunrise and sunset. It was a sunny day so that also helped.

We got to the car park at 3:30pm where I climbed out of the car and froze because I couldn’t walk to get into the hospital. Out of nowhere, a midwife spoke to me to say she’d escort me to the ward, then after a few stops on the way, I finally got to triage where I was squeezing my knees together and crying for my partner. They wouldn’t let my mum in straight away due to Covid. At 4pm the midwife assessed me and suddenly, a flurry of more midwives came to triage to wheel me round to the labour ward. I went on all fours and I was begging for my partner or mum. Thankfully my mum came in with my partner on FaceTime, bombing it down the motorway.

In all the chaos and doctors running into my room, he asked my mum to hand me the phone. It was almost like he was the only person in the room when he spoke to me; calmly he said “I’m not gonna make it, I know you’re holding her in for me. Let her go. I’m ok, just let her go.” and at that point I realised I had been holding her in since the car ride.

I turned to the 5 midwives and doctor in the room preparing to give me an episiotomy and ventouse (so hasty and not consented!) and asked if I could push. They told me to go with my body and at that point I actively pushed. I forgot about down breathing but my body just took over and wanted to expel the baby. At that point, I couldn’t stop the motion of just wanting to push and it was so relieving. Someone handed me the gas and air which was obviously too late (lol) I took two puffs and continued to push.

Exactly 6 mins after my partner told me to let her go... my 2nd daughter was born and handed to me for skin to skin. The most healing and mind blowing experience of my life! In total my labour was 2 hours from regular surges and 4 hours from waters breaking. I had no tears and no trauma and nooo pain apart from her head coming out. The midwives cheered me on with praise and the doctor hastily walked out of the room. The most intense yet satisfying 2 hours of my life.

I just want to thank everyone here for their stories which inspired me to believe in myself. Although I am a midwife... I totally put all that out of my mind and just focused on the fact that I am a vulnerable woman and a mother first. Anyone trying for a VBAC or wishing to have a good experience, you can do it .