Birth story - Camille and baby T

*Trigger warning* - first birth forceps delivery, sexual abuse as a child, contractions.

To put things into perspective, I need to start with my first pregnancy.

Back in 2017, I was pregnant with my first son. The placenta was at the front so I wouldn’t always feel movement. I also was very anxious about birth itself, due to how it is pictured in movies but also how my mum said birth went for her, with me, her first born. I had 3 episodes of reduced foetal movements (all was checked and it was fine), extra scans that showed I had polyhydramnios. Hence I was “induced” at 40+5 weeks. The day they were planning to induce me at 10am at Watford General, I started having contractions at 4am, therefore they didn’t give me hormones and “only” broke my waters. I will spare everyone the details but it was hell from then on. I repeatedly asked for an epidural (first request at 00:35), I wasn’t given one for ages, nor was I given an explanation to why I wasn’t given one (I then found out I wasn’t dilated enough, but why not offer pethidine? Dihydrocodeine?), I was then given gas and air and told the anaesthetist will come shortly… he came in my room… started preparing everything and then left!!!! As there was an emergency in theatre… he then came back and I had the epidural at 6am. Around 5pm, after two hours of pushing, the doctor came in and assessed him, although baby was fine, I was exhausted and baby wasn’t coming out. We then went to theatre to get him out via forceps. He was born with two pulls. What a relief when I heard him cry! I didn’t get optimal cord clamping, nor did I get a couple of minutes of skin to skin as I had hoped for. Breastfeeding was a real challenge. He had tongue tie, my colostrum wasn’t coming out. I was in pain… We were in a shared room with 4 other mums, babies crying all night, lights on, beeping noises… We came home after two days and after such a traumatic experience, we took some time to settle in, step by step.

When my husband and I decided to have another baby, it took me some time to accept that I obviously would have to give birth again. My first experience had been so challenging that I wasn’t sure I wanted a second baby. However, it was something we always wanted, so we decided to go ahead. As I was very anxious, I referred myself to counselling, to be assessed for PTSD or anxiety. My assessment for PTSD came back and although I did have some traumatising elements, it wasn’t to the point that I needed PTSD treatment. I had already done CBT sessions therefore the counsellor said to me, this is what else we recommend:

Getting a debrief of your previous birth

Ask to change midwife if you feel the connection is not there

Hypnobirthing

Reaching out again to them if needed.

I had 2 sessions with a first midwife, but didn’t get the right feeling. I told her I was anxious at the first appointment, but she didn’t ask me how I felt emotionally at the second meeting. Also, she told me she was very busy and couldn’t see me in between the “standard” appointments. Now, don’t get me wrong, I know the NHS is extremely busy, but I was very anxious. I therefore called the community midwifes and asked to change midwife. They told me it might not happen, but they would try, I just had to wait and see. I was so thankful to have Ffion as my new midwife, she listened to me, took the time to hear my multiple questions and answer them. She treated me as an equal and that meant the World to me, as in the past I felt I was treated like a child for my first birth.

I thought hypnobirthing was for hippies, but considering that I was ready to try anything to have a better experience, I decided to give it a go! I bought ALL the courses from Siobhan Miller, the book, and I tell you, they were a lifesaver! I used to listen to the e-learning on my daily walks in the woods. In September, I got my first birth debriefed, it took a while to get the notes. In a nutshell, I waited forever for the epidural, wasn’t given any other pain relief, aside from gas and air. Why did they not offer pain relief? We will never know. I also decided to get a doula as I thought: worst case scenario, she doesn’t help and I lose money, best case scenario, the birth of my second child will be beautiful!

Through a quick google search, I emailed a few and Gemma Harvey was the one that caught my attention. Her website was so welcoming and heart-warming with lots of “treats” for the mum, balms, bath sitz, cakes, etc. Additionally, she had this quote which I put up on my wall “If a woman doesn’t look like a Goddess while giving birth, then someone is not treating her right” and I thought, I want to look like a Goddess!

Luckily, Gemma was available and we then had our first session in September, following an introductory meeting. Our first session was on birth plan and understanding how I felt about birth, what pain reliefs I wanted, who to cut the cord, etc.

It is at that time that we also had the icon “survivor of abuse” and at first I thought… well that’s not me… but actually it is. Let me tell you a bit more…

Another thing that came out during this pregnancy was an event that happened in the past. As a child, I was sexually abused, and I didn’t think much of it, as being a child, I didn’t know what had happened to me. However, during the last summer holiday with my family, I realised that I didn’t feel that my first son was safe and I was very stressed about that, losing sleep too, having 2h insomnia every night while on holiday. When we came back home to the UK, I realised that I had a lot of anger and that my need to feel safe and my child to be safe weren’t met. I requested for therapy as I didn’t want to live with all that anger. And, after 6 sessions, what came out was the need to feel safe, have predictability and support in my life were very important. Also, I wanted to discuss with my parent the sexual abuse, as I just couldn’t understand why they “didn’t do anything about it and acted as if it never happened”. As you can imagine, this is a very delicate subject and it’s not one to have on the phone, so I decided to have the conversation with my dad when I saw him, prior to birth.

We had that challenging conversation a few days before the birth of T. It wasn’t that my parents didn’t care, it was that they didn’t know what to do… but they were mortified that it had happened. I think that made me feel “better” despite still not understanding fully why they hadn’t acted upon it.

During the birth plan, I discussed with my doula what happened in my previous birth and how I was so hung up on having the epidural that I had a traumatic experience. I told her that my heart was telling me to have a homebirth but my head wasn’t there yet and one thing that was stressing me was telling people about my homebirth, it would be too much pressure and I knew some family members would totally advise me against it. This is where I realised that I needed to feel safe and have my “wise women” with me and they would be part of the plan. My doula was part of these wise women and some of my close friends too. We wrote down 3 birth plans. Amazing (homebirth), Beautiful (MLU pool birth) and Caring (C-section). My husband and I also attended 2 sessions privately with the “Brilliant Birthing Company” as I wanted to know more about what happened in Princess Royal Hospital. My greatest “fear” was having a C-section (last time it was the forceps and I had it) so I thought, let’s get prepared for this to understand exactly what happens. After the class, I realised there was nothing scary about it! Nothing to worry about at all, I knew it wasn’t what I wanted but I knew that if it happened, then I could have optimal cord clamping, skin to skin, it was going to be ok! The three ladies were amazing, made me feel so relaxed and in safe hands. Also, they told me that due to my past (despite covid restrictions), I would be allowed to have my doula with me, should I give birth in the hospital.

I also read LOTS of books: from “Birth a history” to “Birthing like a feminist”, “Birth a rite of passage”. I didn’t want to go in “blind”. I was ready to face head on what was going to happen. I also listened to podcasts, one of my favourite one is “Bliss” a French podcast which was recommended by my friend Justine. I used to listen to it during my walks. I even listened to one where unfortunately baby didn’t make it alive earthside. I remember my friend telling me “you’re crazy, why are you listening to this one? You will be scared” “No, I want to be informed! This is how I manage my anxiety”. I also listened to a few “Honest mamas” podcasts.

My husband works shifts and wouldn’t get back until 10pm or later some nights. I remember dreading some nights thinking, I’m scared, anxious, I want him home now. But we all know that the more you worry, the less serene you will be. So, I decided to dance to Barry White with my 4 years old. Why Barry White? Because he was my Godmother’s favourite and she’s one of my wise women! Baby was due on 14th (but to my dates it was the 17th) and I had already looked up when the full moon would be… turns out it was going to be the 19th, just like daddy’s 35th birthday!! My pregnancy was pretty straight forward, no diabetes, no extra scans. Everything was pretty smooth. I felt the baby move loads at night, so it would make me feel better as I knew he was well and safe!! On the night of the 17th, I felt contractions on and off but they then stopped. On the 18th, I went for a 3km walk in the morning with my dad. Later that morning, I had my 40 weeks + 4 days appointment with another midwife (Thursday 18th), as my midwife was on holiday. She was so lovely and made me laugh so much! When she examined me, she told me my cervix was soft and it wasn’t opened yet, but it was in progress. I said I didn’t want a sweep and I had to agree to book for an induction the week after, if baby didn’t arrive. I then went to visit a school with my dad, in the afternoon. I remember having contractions, but I had had them for a few days, on and off. Usually when I went for a walk, so I wasn’t too concerned! I did ask for the bathroom during the tour and the lady told me “oh you should have said you were overdue, I would have done a shorter tour!”.

We then came home and I baked crepes all afternoon so my husband would have them the next day for his birthday! I just had a feeling I wouldn’t have the energy to make them on the 19th! My dad and I were supposed to pick up K. at pre-school, but I just felt tired and asked a friend to get him! K. was well excited and home in time for dinner. We then had dinner the 3 of us and K. and I had a bath and I then put him to bed. I remember texting my husband saying “don’t miss your train” as sometimes he misses it and I felt like waiting 10 more minutes for him to come home, would be challenging… he didn’t miss his train! In the meantime, I messaged my doula saying I felt quite some tension in the front… she sent me a video with Mika’s “relax, take it easy” which made me cry and relaxed me.

Soon after my husband came home, contractions started. 11:11pm, 11:23pm, 11:30pm… I used the Freya app and listened to the hypnobirthing recordings. And around 2am I decided to inform my doula and call the hospital. I asked if they had the homebirth service but they told me they didn’t… I was disheartened but then thought… well, I am in a lot of pain, so maybe it’s for the best! When we arrived, we had to wait for a room to be set up, as I wanted the pool room. We probably waited 45minutes… Once in the room, I was assessed… and I was 1cm dilated. I remember feeling like I could never go without pain relief, how mental, I had the tens machine and was doing my breathing which helped but I wasn’t sure that would be sufficient. I then was told by the midwife that I could get pain relief: dihydrocodeine but I had to take it there and then we could go home and come back once I was further along. Perhaps by then, the homebirth service would be back on! The midwife sounded pretty positive about it, but I didn’t want to have too much hope.

Once on the parking lot to go home, I remember telling my doula “I would rather be at work. I think I’ll need an epidural, but it’s too early anyways, I don’t think I can do a homebirth”. I cannot remember exactly what she told me then, maybe she offered silence or said something along the lines of "don't think you can't, think you can" and it was what I needed to hear, as I felt better and we came back home. Once home, K. had woken up and was very upset to not find us in our bed. He didn’t want to jump in bed with grand-pere. I was so thankful that we had come home so that we could be there for him. We decided to take him in our bed and we went to “sleep” the 3 of us. Me with my tens machine on, K. snuggled against me and holding my hand and my husband on his other side. The contractions kept coming and I used the Freya app, it guided me with my breathing, and there was the relaxing music in the background which relaxed me.

I remember that my doula gave me a Virgin Mary she had made in clay and I held her tight in my hands when the contractions felt too intense. Twice I pointed her to the sky and said pleadingly: “God help me” and my prayers were answered. I continued like that for a couple of hours and saw the time pass… 8am… new shift, should I ring to ask if the homebirth service is on? I wasn’t in agonising pain… I could wait a bit more… 09:30 oh they are strong, I was struggling, so I texted my doula who reminded me to sing / do prayers for fear, so I prayed to my wise women: my Godmother, Yayai, Mamour & Grand mere Rose and also opened my mass hymn book and started from the end and sang. It helped me focus on something other than pain and it really reduced the pain!!! And at 9:45 I lost my mucus plug, or part of it! The singing helped me feel better! So powerful! I then felt a bit tired and decided to go back to bed. Contractions continued but I felt I needed to move away from the windowsill, where I was leaning on and needed to be lying down on my side. 11:00am, maybe I should ring now! I called and asked if the homebirth was on, and it was!! The midwife was going to ring me shortly… 10 minutes passed, still no news. So I decided to ring again and they said she will call… luckily she rang shortly after!

She arrived and then assessed me and what joy, I was at 6/7cm dilated at 11:50! That was the best news ever. Erin told me the next examination would be in 4hours, so that was plenty of time, I didn’t feel any pressure to “speed up”. I then continued upstairs where I had been since coming home from the hospital. I arranged for a friend to pick up K. so he could have a playdate. They came at lunch time! My husband gave me Hachis Parmentier for lunch, while my doula prepared the pool downstairs and the other midwife arrived. And then, at 1pm, I was told that the pool was ready.

I remember feeling a bit anxious, thinking “what if it kills my flow”? I kept saying “I’m scared” so my husband asked me what I was scared about, “I’m scared we miss the birth, I want it to be captured” so my doula reassured me and said she could take pictures and film! Feeling better, I went downstairs. I wasn’t sure about getting in the pool just yet, so I went to my vision board and looked at it for a bit. I remember Virginia massaged my shoulders, Gemma massaged my hands for a bit. I also gave myself a few pep talks in French, “bon Camille, on se concentre la. Non, allez, on va y arriver. Respire. Allez mon petit bébé, on va y arriver” As I knew the only person I would always listen to, is my inner voice. I then put amazon music on with the “feeling happy” playlist, which used to be my running song! “Cold Heart” was on and a few other favourites. I swayed a bit with my husband and then it was time to get in the pool. I asked for a little step to go into the pool as I didn’t want to disturb baby. I then kneeled and held my husband’s hands.

I sang “Chercher avec toi dans nos vies”, a French hymn to Mary. It had 3 verses and at the third verse, after a strong grunt, baby’s head came out! My waters broke probably at the second push and what a relief when the midwife said “waters are clear”. I then thanked God twice and said the “Notre Pere” followed by singing “Our Father” and mid-way through it, I made a loud grunt and the rest of the baby’s body came out! The midwifes helped me pick him up and after a few seconds, little man cried!

I then went on the sofa where I was able to give him his first milk! We really enjoyed the “Golden hour” as the midwifes made themselves so discreet and left the room! Daddy then cut the cord and I delivered the placenta naturally, by squatting down. I can honestly say that this was the best day of my life, it was the most magical and powerful. I didn’t even use gas and air. I remember nipping to the toilet with my husband and saying: where’s the gas and air? I forgot to ask them! And by the time I came back in the room, I had forgotten! Singing was the best pain killer ever. I put all my energy and fear in my singing. I was worried I’d feel the ring of fire, but none of that ever came! It was just powerful contractions, nothing compared to what I had experienced the first time. I had managed to let go of that fear, I was surrounded by wonderful people both earthside and in heaven supporting me! I was safe, calm and confident! I was a Birthing Singing Goddess.

If you had come to me a year ago, telling me I’d birth at home, I’d have laughed… so hard! but the mind is a powerful tool and through empowering myself with knowledge, working on my past and training my mind to believe I could achieve it... I did it!