Birth story - Bea and baby boy

⚠️ TRIGGERS: hospital, any mention of major surgery, forceps etc.
🦠 Born during COVID pandemic

Here is my story

I have joined Positive Birth Community because I am petrified of hospitals 😱. There is no logical reason for it really (I can be hyperventilating when I accompany my husband for an X-ray). I am equally embarrassed and mortified about this fact.

Together with hubby we have watched all the positive birth videos, read loads of stories and practiced positive affirmations and meditations. My hubby was always laughing that he falls asleep feeling like a strong independent woman 😂.

So... I was due on the 2 July and I was adamant that my baby will come naturally and when he is ready. I politely declined sweeps and induction. Had my hospital bag at the ready together with music, snacks and essential oils diffuser. Anything and everything to keep me calm.

On the 7 July during midwife appointment my midwife informed me that she would like me to pop over to the hospital for a growth scan because my belly got smaller than two weeks prior. She didn’t say much more really. This raised some anxiety and I was feeling nervous that something might be wrong.

On the 8th when we went to the hospital my husband was asked to step outside, as partners are no longer permitted to accompany us into maternity ward or scan here in the UK. All I had a chance to do was to wave good bye to him and the door was shut behind me.

As soon as the midwife begun the scan she said ‘oh a breech baby’. Well that came as a surprise as till now everyone was saying that my baby was head down and ready to go. At 40wks +6 I knew what this would mean. I won’t lie the news began a waterfall of tears and extreme anxiety. I gave my partner a quick call and told him that I was waiting to speak to the doctor. He reminded me to remember about the BRAIN method and to breathe.

I sat down with the doctor and had a conversation with uncontrollable floods of tears pouring out of my eyes. I explained that I suffer with anxiety and am scared of the hospitals and she was very understanding and gentle. We talked through all the options available to me and I was asking all the necessary questions remembering the BRAIN method.

At 41 weeks and with mild contractions which started in the morning the safest option to go for was ‘elective’ caesarean. I didn’t make the decision easily and having to make it within the space of few minutes was one of the most difficult decisions I had to make so far and didn’t truly feel like a choice. Lack of time to digest all those news wasn’t easy. My doctor advised that if the theatre was available I would have my c-section later that day. It was quite a shock to say the least...

In the end I had a caesarean the next day at exactly 41weeks (after overnight stay at the hospital). My partner met me outside the theatre (haven’t seen him since we were separated the day before) and quickly got changed in preparation for the surgery. Team members were popping over to see us and introduce themselves and their role in keeping me and the baby safe. Through all of it we were holding hands and my husband was taking deep loud breaths to remind me about breathing and staying as relaxed as possible.

When we walked into theatre and I was about to get my spinal injection all I could think of was the video about how panic impacts blood flow through the body and I was consciously trying to stay focused on breathing and staying as calm as possible. I even asked my partner to come closer and hold me tighter so I could relax and lean on his chest while I was receiving the spinal jab.

When the surgeon came I asked about possibility of skin to skin after the baby was born and she asked the team to move the dozen wires attached to my chest onto my back (I asked one of the nurses before and she wasn’t very keen on me having skin to skin because of lack of space). The surgeon said that as long as everything is ok I will be able to hold my baby for as long as I want while she is stitching me back together.

Then the green screen was put between me and my tummy and the surgery began. I could feel my baby’s head underneath my hand in my tummy and felt it disappearing. Then there was a sound of sucking (surgeons removing amniotic fluid) and suddenly we heard a little cry and in no time our baby was passed over to us (all that happened in about 15min).

We saw our little boy and I remember saying to my husband that this must be the most beautiful baby I have ever seen and he nodded through his tears.

I am actually surprised that I have managed to stay calmer than I have I ever imagined I would. (Previous surgery I had two years ago ended up with me being put under because my body went into such state of panic that neither me nor the doctors could calm me down). This time round all I could think of was ‘stay calm’, ‘think about your blood flow’, ‘breathe’. To this degree that when my body begun involuntarily shaking (reaction to spinal injections) and my partner’s voice was shaking when he was trying to tell me that everything was going to be ok, I was completely calm and confident that indeed it would be ok.

So a big thank you ❤️ from me to the Positive Birth Company and all the community. Each of your stories taught me something valuable and frankly I don’t know where I would be without this group, beautiful and honest stories and all the videos and meditations ❤️❤️❤️